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Internet Dating; A guide.

January 13, 2011 Leave a comment

I know- left field right? This is an old draft I never finished, and needing a break from what I was working on- but too neurotic to do nothing at all and end up feeling like a loser who wastes time- I take a working break from work and finish up an old blog entry. In any case- not dating so much any more, at least not traditionally- eesh, never traditionally anymore (and succeeding with women more than ever as a result)- I figure why not drop this gem on ya.  when I still subscribed to the social norms of dating though, Internet Dating came in so handy in filtering out the psychos that I shudder to think what my life would be like if I hadn’t made use of it as much as I did. In fact- the most unsuccessful relationships (disasters) I’ve had- were of the real-time kind. And the clean breaks, even friendships in closing, were all of online origins. Suffice to say I have more faith in using the internet to find someone of substance to create a relationship with than I do in real-time.

The reasons I have more faith in this format than real time is a subject there may be hints to in this post- but is better suited for a follow up- for now, enjoy whatcha got.

Online Dating; A Guide

1. Check Yourself.

What are you doing? Do you know what you’re doing? Are you just following your nose around or do you have a specific course of action you intend to follow? You would be surprised how many men and women still think the internet is some kind of quaint joke and treat it as such- not realizing that it’s a real life portal into their lives and its best you mind that portal before you end up like Alice in Wonderland- falling through the rabbit hole and no way to get home.

So make up your mind as to what it is you want from this thing, and you’ll soon find your next steps much more calculated, and the responses you get will make much more sense to you- meaning you will know who is who- and what to do about each one.

There is nothing better than representing your own voice of reason- and seeing how so much else makes sense because you know who you are first.

So… If you’re dating to get out of the house- say so. If you’re dating to get married- say so. If you’re figuring things out- say so. Don’t play games.

Do you know if you are playing games? Many people think they are being real when in reality- they are full of sh*t. Sometimes by no fault of your own you won’t know that you’re full of it until later on when you outgrow it- it happens to us all. But you can try and be honest with yourself so as to save yourself the time ad trouble that comes from attracting the people who you THOUGHT you would be into- and they- expecting a person who was supposed to be for them- where everyone ends up upset.

2. Pictures.

Never post none, or one. Minimum, if specific about each, you need Three. One, face, smiling, close but not too close, shoulders in the shot? Ok, acceptable. Two, Full head to toe shot, this can be in casual dress or to the 9’s, but has to alternate from the third. Which Third, is also head to toe, but in the opposite dress style of the second photo. So you have Three, a face/head/ shoulder shot, a head to toe casual and a head to toe dressy shot.

What not to post…

Always remember you are advertising yourself- so if you choose to post pictures of you leaning on a Ferrari and you’re not looking for a sugar daddy or a fellow millionaire, lets hope its from the car show and it’s clear thats where it was taken.

This is not an opportunity to see pretty pictures of yourself online. It’s about getting the results you want, and you have to advertise appropriately.

Your pictures represent your current or your intended class and income bracket. And if you think it doesn’t show, you’re wrong- it does. A socialite posts pictures taken of her at events, and a wanna-be socialite posts pictures of her wishing she was a socialite, and it shows. If you’re looking for a fellow socialite, please post away. If you’re looking for someone to get you in the door, again, go right ahead. But if you’re not- and you’re a down to earth guy or gal, spare yourself the results you’ll get from a misguided effort.

If you’re in a bar toasting drinks and laughing uncontrollably in all your photos- you can bet that looks good to an alcoholic frat boy or graduate who wants in on the fun. Can you say date rape me? if not- well your pictures sure did.

If all your photos are of you with friends at sporting events, it says that’s what you’re into- you will get men or women who think that they have found someone who they can go tailgating with and who will always have a game to go to- with or without you. Forget about anything but football at home on Sundays.

Same goes for bikinis/ bathing suits. Yes, it can be your head to toe casual shot, and in fact it’s recommended if you want to advertise that you are in bikini/bathing suit shape, but unless you want to be objectified, I suggest only posting one and specifying in your narrative that you require anyone interested be in similar shape. If you do not follow those guidelines and you post two or more scantily clad pictures, and you do not specify that it’s there because you want to show someone that they should be in similar shape and it’s important to you- then you WILL have perverts (more than usual) responding to the advertisement that you are looking for cheap sex.

Don’t shoot the messenger- I’m just giving it to you straight.

Scenery- why? Unless you really do mean the generic overused statement “I like/ love to travel” and even then- why? Unless you are in the shot under the guidelines stated- It communicates that you are stupid. You have no recognition of the forum’s purpose and you have no regard for wasting people’s time. If you are this way in real life- then yes, certainly post a picture of the Eifel Tower, the leaning tower of Pisa and the Grand Canyon, all without anyone in the picture. You will get someone who wants to hear about your trips, not someone who really cares who you are- again, unless you are your trips, and not a real person.

3. Do not pay for it.

It’s a scam. and the more successful the site says they are- they just mean how successful they are at hooking people into becoming serial daters. There are no good intentions in business, other than the intention to make money off of a customer- repeatedly if possible. You KNOW this, so why all of a sudden do you think that a website of all places, has come to the forefront in your search for adoration and love of the human kind? the website and it’s founders do not care about you or your happiness. They care about their happiness. They care about their own comfort- and how much of your money they can get to make that happen. The emlpoyees- they care about paying their bills. And if it means making you the crackhead of dating- then hey- smoke up baby! Don’t pay for it. make your name on the site, your e mail name or make a name up and then go get a free e mail account at an open ISP like Gmail or Yahoo and make it out to the same name. This way when you write your narrative, you can bury a hint in there like “Gee” if you wanted to get in touch with me it’s not that hard” or “It’s not that hard to get in touch with a Yahoo like me” – but likely you’ll have to be more clever than that and space the name up like “y ah oo” to get past the filters they have in place to reject your narrative and have you rewrite it.

Consider this as well;

If you are serious about finding a person for yourself this is very important for you to consider…

Let’s use one of the most popular websites for example- one that literally absorbed some of it’s competition to become the site it is today, I’m talking about Match.com, who absorbed Love@aol, AOL’s personal’s service and another I can’t remember, I think it may have been MSN’s equivalent.

If you join Match.com as a paying member, and you are serious about finding One person- then you are in the worst of situations. why? Because if you actually do find someone you are more than visually interested in, meaning you have some interests in common and you appreciate and understand their method of communication, then you might feel the inclination to break the ice- either by the (also free) option of Winking, or by (paying members only) sending an e mail.

In either case- once you crossed that boundary and are either waiting for a Wink back so you can feel your advance is welcome, or you’re waiting for an email reply- you are confronted with at least three other candidates that their system has deemed close enough to who you were interested in- as soon as you click Send.

of course you might think to yourself, Sure, I’ll just ignore them. And you might. The first time. If your interesting potential mate answers your wink or e mail and you go out and have a great time, soon after engaged and married- then never mind- you are the exception. But if your potential mate for whatever reason- does not respond, or rejects you- you can count on you not ignoring those three potential runners up the next time around- and why will you do this?

BECAUSE YOU ARE A PAYING MEMBER.

As a consumer- when is it you pay for something and don’t make it a point to get your money’s worth? Almost never. So, like I said- maybe, just maybe you can resist and focus on that one person’s response the first time- but not the second, or from that point on. Most people take what’s put in front of them. and when Match.com or any other site offers you three potential extra matches, and three more, and three more, and three more for as long as you reach out  to any single one- you will slowly fall into their trap of becoming a serial dater.

You will adapt to the mentality- rather unwittingly- that there is always something better around the corner. Always another option, or three, just a click away.

So you can even be on a date and as you are getting to know someone, and instead of listening open mindedly and acceptingly, imparting that kindness to another that you would like imparted to you for your flaws and humble indiscretions- you are listening only for the items that will exclude this person from the perfect image you have in your mind of the person you think would deserve your full affection. You’re going off a checklist in your mind cutting this person down at the first thing they reveal that even comes close to resembling something potentially wrong. Why? Because you’ve been clicking on the next three options way too long. You’re brainwashed into thinking that if a person has one flaw- there is no reason to extend them just a little understanding (what a relationship might be about), because there are plenty other fish in the sea.

When in reality- there aren’t.

The older you get- the more people pair up, have children, either stay together or divorce, but all-in-all, have lives they aren’t that ready to repeat with those who dished out the neverending line of rejection.

The people who have relationships are those who extend each other understanding, make exceptions, teach and learn- ultimately growing together. When those tenets are broken, so are the relationships.

Examine any relationship you like- you will find that last statement to be true.

Now, who have you become, if you won’t even get out of the starting gate because a website has taught you to nix a person you found attractive at the first sign of trouble?

Alone.

If you are a non-paying member, and cleverly hide a hint to how one can get in touch with you outside their system, then you are guaranteed two things that no price of membership can guarantee you…

1. The person making contact with you ACTUALLY READ what you had to say. How else did they get to the point where you dropped your hint unless they took the time to read?

2. They are willing to do more to earn your attention than the minimum or to merely PAY for it via a cheap membership to a website.

If you think you have some sort of security in your search results because those reaching you have paid for a membership- think again. If you’re a paying member or ever have been, then you know from experience- there was no mental evaluation or security screening when you joined was there? As long as you have internet access (an internet cafe in Kenya will do) and an e mail address (plenty of free email accounts are available out there), then you can become a paying member of a website as long as you have a bank account or a credit card. Last I heard, child molesters and ex cons can have both, and if they have bad credit a pre-paid credit card is easy enough to get too.

You actually are more secure waiting for the responses from those who took the time to read through your ad- something that a spammer or scammer will never bother to do.

I’ll tell you this- in the time I had my ad up, I never got spam because of it. Spammers, Search engines and Worms that travel through the internet seek out obvious indicators to e mail addresses. This is why if you sell your couch on craigslist and bypass their anonymous e mail by putting your own out there- you get a ton of spam. The @ symbol alone triggers them. Since what you have is a hint buried in text- they don’t look for you or can find you.

The only people reaching you will be those people genuinely interested in you.

Other benefits to this method include not having t0o wade through a ton of emails from people who are just fishing for attention. For “nice” guys it may be women who want to use you for a night out on your dime. For serious minded women, it will be a ton of losers who just want to get laid.

You can put your ad up- and go about your life. The way it should be. if you’re putting so much emphasis on finding a significant other- it’s likely that you aren’t very significant to yourself first. You know what they say- Love shows up when you least expect it- and if you look for it, you’ll never find it. So post your ad- like a flag on a hill, and work on your career, your body, your friendships, your life. Every once in a while you’ll get an e mail from some one who by getting in touch with you has already shown that at least they stand out from the crowd enough to go the extra mile. And that’s something you don’t get from sitting at a bar either waiting for a guy to buy you a drink, or waiting for a girl to say sure- I’ll have a…

Again, if you’re looking to use the internet as an extension of the singles bar- go ahead. There are plenty half wits out there doing the same and its just as easy to fail on the internet- and complain about it not doing the work for you of course- for you to find plenty of dates and the occasional rape. But if you recognize the fact that the internet is an amazing screening tool you can use to cut down on the amount of wasted time, effort and money wasted in the pursuit of love with the wrong people- and you use it as such- uncompromisingly- then you will see that when you do meet someone that passes your individualized set of filters, that the experience you have is much better than the thoughtless one you were putting yourself through before, whether it results in a friendship or love.

Over and Out.

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City Planning- your guide to New York, and the apocalypse

December 16, 2010 Leave a comment

Sorry Nation (to borrow a term from Colbert), but today’s, or rather, this weeks Opinion is just about NYC.

I’m crammed in a train today, as most days, and I look out of the train’s window, across to the opposite platform at Times Square station, and I wonder- Did anyone plan on this city being so overcrowded?

Redundant question- I know. The very term overcrowded denotes there could be no planning. No one plans for OVER-crowding. They may plan for crowds, but not an overage. Overage is what happens in the absence of planning, ok, ok. 

So in this millisecond my thoughts move to how ripe this city is for any kind of terrorist attack or natural disaster that would have the highest death toll ever- and from there of course to my over repetitious thought of this being the very case against the free acts of terrorist cells- and how they’re likely controlled by some government source that only releases the hounds so to speak, when the corporate bosses that hold their leashes say it would be conducive to revenue streams.

All of which always ends in the thought “whaaaaaat the fruck ever” I have to get to work so who cares?

Bottom line is, no one planned for this, and people, the ants, or sheep that we are- just wiggle around in the pens made for us, not using any sort of real intelligence to make a better life, or a better world for ourselves* (note- remind me to opine on the difference between the European public, and the American public when it comes to asserting control over their destinies vs. the political regime’s looking to profit from their lives, like a ranch owner would his cattle).

So then I say to myself, well of course- what we need is a reduction in head count here, so the city can be a little more livable. the buildings are built upwards, not outwards, and there is no more ground level space to move around in anymore. People are going to start falling off the platforms in the transit system.

Solution; consolidate housing.

You can’t really consolidate work space- I mean, you can, but I’ll get to that next.

Consolidation of housing means you take the space of two apartments- and make it one.

Yes, there will never be a cessation of greed, so there will never be a landlord, landowner, who in their philanthropic best, will concede to- not losing money- but making less than the overbloated mess of money they make now- and have to then cut back on the equally bloated mess of a privileged life they likely lead. No, that’s not going to happen- but still- this needs to be done- so of course, then the two 2 million dollar spaces for example, will not cost 2.5 million when consolidated, but instead cost 4 million for the one space it then would be- but you tell me- could you have afforded it at 2 million anyway- what do you care? Thats one less multi millionaire taking up space in New York City.

That’s a good thing. 

Instantly (well, instantly after the buzzards are done ravaging the opportunity for construction of these changes) you have half the rich people you had before, living in New York.

I know, this doesn’t make my train any less crowded by much- but it helps. But you have to remember- a one room studio in New York City proper- the island of Manhattan where greed is at it’s worst- costs about $1 million.

Co-ops, average about the same. Sure you can find some pushing up against old New York (poor neighborhoods- i.e. gentrification) for less, but less I would guess to say is maybe a little under half a million dollars, and the maintenance you would pay is about as much as rent up to 10 miles outside the City, in the pre-burbs (my term). The area before Long Island that is the legitimate suburbia, but outside “The City” of New York, Manhattan Island.

We’re talking 2-6 miles inland of Brooklyn and Queens. The immediate surrounding areas in these Boroughs have been swallowed up by gentrification already- the rents and prices of property are in the outlandish bracket- well, outlandish unless you inherited money or were put through school by your parents AND make a little more than a livable wage. Staten Island and the Bronx are anomalies.

Staten Island should be sold to New Jersey because it’s inhabitants are very strange, if not just as bad as any ghetto peeps, excuse the colloquialisms. The Bronx, has to wait for the island of Manhattan to be completely consumed by gentrification, don’t worry, they’re working on it- they’re up to the mid-100’s streets now. It used to be all Caucasians got off the train at 86th street, but now they stay on a couple more stops.  But the strange thing about the Bronx is that it does have it’s nice areas, but you have to go through the ghetto to get there. As opposed to Brooklyn and Queens where gentrification makes it the other way around.

So anyway, there would be less rich people, and less middle income people, and who cares about low income people like me, we couldn’t afford it anyway, so we keep our commute, only with less shoulders to rub up against on the way in and out.

Now like I said before- the rich don’t all take the train or bus, they drive and take cabs- hello? And Hello? Less cars, less cabs, less traffic, less gridlock, less pollution.

For the landlord greed mongers- less expense. How? Well less people means less water used, reduction in water bills per property- you greedy bastards.

For the city, a reduction in the same, and thus an extension on the already dilapidated infrastructure’s expiration date. More time to reinforce that shyit, or do you not mind the occasional steam pipe burst that takes out an entire city block and cuts tax revenue by repair cost and lost income to the merchants on that block? it happened not too long ago.

Not to mention the lawsuits that come from such catastrophes.

Well, long story short- there are a lot of benefits to this kind of change, I won’t get too much more into it because frankly, who am I in the here and now? Sure, we’ll pack away a mental note for when I can do something about it- but right now I’m too busy with Graffitti Park and other aspects of life to give this more thought than is allowed on a train ride- and then- only because I have to ride a cattle car passing for a passenger train to work.

Most days I just think about how much I wish the world would end so I could never have to go into the subways again, and the woman pressed up against me with the perfect skin and expensive lifestyle would cling to me for survival instead of stand on the other side of the class divide that can be infinitely wide, even while millimeters apart.

Not that I wouldn’t shake her off for holding me back mind you.

(smile)

Things on my mind… today

November 12, 2010 Leave a comment

~ Racism, yes, still. Entitlement, and the phenomenon of disassociation.

~ Blogging, on my production sheet?

~ Relationships, the unfamiliarity of this word and the actual value of.

~ And relatives, the holidays, and the stress that comes with. Believe me, as with most things “me”, you haven’t heard this take on the subject yet.

I may have to break these thoughts up over the next few days- but lets see how it goes…

1. Let’s get racism out of the way.

I like to say I’m racist. A play on words really. I say that I’m racist, because I recognize the races. In order ot have diversity one has to recognize the differences first, in order to learn to respect them and if possible, appreciate them. That is the act of being race-ist. Here is the Dictionary.com definition of the suffix “ist”.

a suffix of nouns, often corresponding to verbs ending in -ize  ornouns ending in -ism,  that denote a person who practices or isconcerned with something, or holds certain principles, doctrines,etc.: apologist; dramatist; machinist; novelist; realist; socialist;Thomist.

I rest my case on that one. When you define “ism” you get mention of words like “prejudice” and “discrimination, but only in third place mention after logical attributions such as a practice or process, such as a criticism, or plagiarism. In my experience the third definition and beyond are most times in deference to the cultural MIS-use, rather than actual definition, provided more for the understanding of language as spoken than to define actual words and guide their correct use.

Here is a link to many, many words that use the suffix “ism” and of which one could only still say it is relative to the root word- which for my purpose here is Race.

The reason I’m laying this groundwork is to distinguish of course, between the productive use of racism, and prejudice itself, or bigotry. You would want me to be racist, if you are of another culture than my own (which by the way, is likely not the one you would assume if you were a bigot), the same as you would want me to be sexist, and class-ist under other circumstances such as being a woman and needing help, hands full, with an open door for example, where it would be good of me to go into gentleman mode wouldn’t it? That’s relative to sexism, like it or not. Or if a member of the working poor, and I am the customer service rep at your local financial aid office- where as if I am class-ist, you can rest assured I understand the importance with which I need to handle your concerns since it is directly related to you improving your lifestyle, and life overall. If I were ignorant to the difference in classes, I would likely be flippant about the needs of those who struggle and sacrifice to raise themselves out of one class into a better one.

I’m no bigot though. And as with most other things I am or I am not, I don’t require a pat ont he back for them or look for one. I only am or am not those things because to me, they are either productive or a waste of time.

Bigotry lends itself to stupidity, and keeps you from opportunities, so therefore it is unproductive and I don’t adhere to it.

The opportunities are of course, getting to know people, ideas, customs, and a plethora of things that could enrich one, improve one, and further expand one’s experience in life- that one would otherwise be cut off from if making a pre-judgment of people, before getting to know them or allowing then to express themselves freely.

Racism, on the other hand, helps.

It helps to know how to say “shukran” to the halal guy I get my lunch from for example, because it’s polite for one, and it endears the man preparing my food which is invaluable if you live in a big city like this. Clean food- important. If I like my halal, which I do, I want him to know his job is appreciated and a happy halal guy makes a better, consistent meal than an unhappy one.

I could fill the blog with examples of constructive, attentive, productive racism, but I think I made my point in that small example so lets move on.

Now, the reason I’m writing about this at all of course has to do with the racial epithet thrown at me by one of, or both bloggers at the site mentioned in yesterday’s post.

This is where we get into Disassociation and Entitlement.

This is attached to my observations on the human condition. without getting too technical, in short, as humans, one of our many flaws is simply that we are forgetful. Those of us who Do know what bigotry is from the inside of it, we forget. In a way it’s a self defense mechanism, of course. Like we implement in mourning, we have internal mechanisms that purposely protect us from the bad feelings that would otherwise hurt us in the long run. So when we, who have had bigotry imposed on us, go on living for a time without any reminder of those experiences and no new experiences to list, we simply forget what it’s like.

I can tell you… from experience, it’s not nice.

It’s not a good feeling when someone shows you that ugliness from within themselves, and as someone who has struggled in life for more reasons than I am going to get into here, when someone randomly throws aside all relevant criteria and looks to disparage you with a reference to the race you appear to be, or your name may indicate a relation to- it strikes a shot fear through you like nothing else- not because (and this is most important) you necessarily fear THEM… but more so because the randomness with which they allowed that ugliness to rise to the surface is one so surprising, that it must occur to you as someone now discriminated against, that it’s an ugliness others are hiding within themselves as well.

And yes, sure, you could puff out your chest and feign ignorance tough guy- but let’s be honest here- if one day you woke up and realized that who you are is someone that people detested and loathed simply because of your appearance or who you are- wouldnt you be striken with fear as to what discrimination you’ll be facing as a result?

When you look for a place to live…

When you look for a job…

When you want to be treated fairly, with the same opportunity the next person would have…

You have to remember how that time you were in an exchange with those people, and for all intents and purposes it should have been a back and forth exchange of thoughts and ideas, however heated the exchange- all of a sudden they came out with the intent of reducing you to less than they, by referring to your race in a derogatory way.

And who else is out there with that in them that I may not even know feels this way?

You see… You want to say people are equal. You want to believe everyone IS equal… But someone who seeks to reduce your humanity by racial epithet- that person is not equal to me. As much as they want to put me down, I would hope the public, those observing, don’t do the easy thing and turn away- but rather- take note of it, see it for what it is, an acknowledge that it is that person who is lessened, and reduced to a lower level, than the person they called that racially referential name.

Then, in reference to the actual incident, the disgust permeates deeper when you have to witness their ignorance, and Disassociation, in the subsequent frenzy to excuse their behavior in this way and that- back and forth they go perusing your writing to try and find some way to blame YOU for the racist remark THEY made about you, doing anything and everything except admit how wrong they are- god forbid they realize about themselves, that they are EXACTLY the disgusting animals they have likely admonished others for being when they’ve witnessed racism.

No, it would be way too much to do to look at their own lives, look at their own habits, the company they keep, the unchecked arrogance of themselves and realize… “I’m a scumbag racist like others I have detested”. I imagine Michael Richards.

But more importantly is that Disassociation I keep referring to.

See, I was born to Latin parents. Mother from South American and father from an American Caribbean Island. I was born here, and raised here, a latchkey kid- so for anyone who doesn’t know what that means- I was raised by the TV. American culture, 100%.

If you get to know me on paper, without reference to my full name or appearance*, meaning the things I like, the things I do, who I am, the music I listen to etc. Then you might guess I am of a different ethnic background. You definitely wouldn’t guess I’m of Latin descent.

Point is, that people like me, of which there are many, know what it’s like to be accepted to some extent, since when I am not overly exposed to the sun I can be mistaken for anglo- but when I am exposed to the sun, especially near the equator, I see how I am looked at, and how I am treated differently because of my darker skin color.

I have friends who have a parent of Euro-descent, and therefore “pass” for white, to use colloquialisms. And they, by no fault of their own you understand, have no idea what prejudice feels like.

This, might be the case with those persons who so casually referred to me in a bigoted way.

I would be making my own assumptions about their race if I said any more than that so I won’t go there.  I could infer from their writing, but I would be stereotyping and generalizing and in the face of being wrong, I pass on that. I would rather be politically correct, than wrong, its got nothing to do with a respect for them, since I lost all respect for them as human beings when I read their bigoted reference to me.

I simply don’t know their race, and if I did I’d like to think that if I did think anything racially referential to them, I’d be smart enough, if not respectful enough of myself at least- not to actually mention it, and keep it professional.

I mean, I do know their gender, and I could go off on that level- and don’t. So I think my self assessment is on point.

So… in the end I don’t knwo whether to be grateful for the experience, or what?

It sucks to know that people, young people at that, who one would assume are educated, can’t be above primitive racial prejudices and can behave so casually at their own slip up. As if, it’s ok, or justified somehow? It’s scary as I said, because where there is one, there are likely more. And who knows how those prejudices will try and hurt you, or keep you down?

As a friend of mine posted subsequent to my hesitant blast about it- “Ignorance can spread like wildfire! Facebook has a group called “(website name omitted)” PLEASE don’t waste your time looking them up, you would be giving them attention  they do not merit, unless you are interested in giving suppressed bigots, any type of support or notoriety.”  And she’s right. She’s the mother of two beautiful kids and I can’t imagine how it feels for a mother to read something like that from fellow women? I don’t have any kids but if I did I would be so concerned for their future knowing people can harbor such casual prejudice in themselves.

In reference to this last point, what I’m saying is, is that once something like this happens, it has a palpable effect that does nothing more than spread the hate.

I’m riding in to work this morning and looking around at the beautiful women I would usually be admiring, doing the usual internal questioning I do, where I wonder if there actually is a woman out there to change my point of view of relationships, but today it’s with a sense of disgust that behind my shades could probably still be seen. And though as I said I really don’t know the make up of these people who used that word at me, but I can’t help but go with the assumption I can make in my mind. So I think to myself, these people, who on their blog, however “humorously” they claim to focus their writing, gripe about how they are treated by men, and their luck with men, have caused a ripple effect with one man, who has male and female friends of all races, that who knows? Could possibly ripple all the way back to them somehow, and further sour the experiences they seem already too comfortable complaining about.

Back when I was Mr. Relationship I made had one epiphany early on… and that was, that if I wanted to find a good woman, the one thing I could do- that I did have control over, was the effect I had on the women I had relationships with…

I resolved to put out good energy, so even if at I didn’t capitalize on any good energy from anyone else’s experiences before they came into my life, at least I could know that people effected by me weren’t going out there furthering the cause and effect problems people have in all relationships, and somehow, maybe, I’d be spared any more “ripple effect” on my end as a result.

I was idealistic, and like I said, “back when I was Mr. Relationship”… Though I am different now when it comes to relationships (nice segue eh?), I still believe in that ripple effect, causality as it were, and energy transference in its most casual sense. Myself, being the momentary proof of it.

As a result of that little experience yesterday, I can say with certainty, negativity passed  through me onto others. Even if I don’t actually take an opportunity to “one-up” or hold back the perceived class and race of those who tried to put me down, the laws of causality are so in-depth and unfathomable that I know just my attitude resulting from that experience must have effected someone else proximally.

And this, this way of expression, here and now, much different from what it would be if this were happening in a different way, say in a bar, as it did last time, a couple years back- where a guy caught a shot to the face on my way out, an hour after he thought he told me off by calling me a spick, is much more subdued, but as far as being the cause that effected negativity- it’s the same. We can only hope that like that guy, who I’m not proud to say had to pick up his teeth and pay a dentist god knows how much to get his face fixed for having mouthed off to the wrong guy, that the ripple effect reaches back at those people who spoke too freely at me yesterday as well. Then, and only then I think, will they actually learn how wrong what they did, was.

Again, Michael Richards comes to mind.

Otherwise, that sense of entitlement some people have, and the disassociation-sand they bury their heads in, myself included, will always keep bigotry and racism of the prejudice kind alive and well in American, and humanity.

A friend, who happens to be white, joked with me using the epithet on my Facebook page, but I know him, so I let it go, despite being hurt, despite being angry, and I joked back, changing the subject.

He’s a good friend and I know he doesn’t mean it with the intent those other people did… So I understand what African American people mean when they say “I can say the N word, and you can’t” to white people… but I just think it’s a shame that I have to.

——————-> More on the other subjects another day.

Out.

Blog Rage… (and racism apparently)

November 11, 2010 1 comment

Let’s talk a little about commentary response, and how the blogger handles it.

I like to think I have an alternative opinion. Eh, that’s me, my own little silly way of thinking I’m special. I flatter myself, I know. In reality I know I’m not, but whatevz I like to say, we all have our little bubbles- right? So I write. I write and I express myself and la-di-da. I sometimes get responses and about half the time (I’m thinking of all the blogs I have) I get both critical commentary and praise. Both are nice. I appreciate the tongue lashings as much as the pats on the back. Really I do. I try and reply, if necessary, in an intelligent and responsive way, and I pride myself in not regressing my humanity by de-evolving into a ghetto, what one would call “typical” moronic cro magnon idiot when weighing in. I try and be on point. I value my intelligence and all in all, it’s about communication… at least, to me it is.

What I do not do is attack anyone who took their time to actually read my words. Even if they dont agree with me, or criticize me, even harshly, I appreciate their time and respect them, sometimes more than they respect me- since disagreeing with my POV is apparently license for some to think they can judge me across the board.

Well I recently made a comment on a blog… Cocktails At Tiffany’s, a blog I found here on WordPress… Just a few words, nothing great or indepth. I said something to the effect of not having confidence in the writers enough to submit any “life” questions for their blog, for them to answer, because of the content.

The content seemed to revolve around drinking and dating (like the title was no indicator of the fore), both apparently, unthinkingly and in excess. All in good fun of course, there’s room on the internet for everyone, and not everyone has to be Bill Maher or Meet the Press, rather The New York Times.

I’m sitting at home enjoying my day off, and my phone signals a message. I recently updated my software on that gizmo so the sounds are nice and new- but then another chime, and another, and another, and yes, another. I’m being bombed here holy shit, I thought to myself. My ex found the page I devoted to her after the break up I thought to myself- here it comes, a year later- eesh. But no, it was breakfast at tiffany’s apparently, and I was on the menu, with a side order of rage. 

In the melee that ensued, after another round or two of Call of Duty Black Ops, let me tell ya, this game is off the hook- I digress; I went online and weighed in… Now, I love a good debate, and I know I can be wrong believe me, so I approached this like I wold any critical situation, not knowing how the young ladies look I impart the adjective in sayin, there are two “lovely” ladies seemingly upset with me and well, lets see, maybe I did a bad thing and I need to apologize = but in the process there’s gonna be some good old fashioned discussin’ that’s-a-gonna happen here…

Turns out I didn’t, and they are. Do something wrong that is.

Wait! Yes! Women can do wrong! Is that news to you? If you are a male reader, and maybe married or in a long term relationship- maybe it is. But it’s true, not a fairy tale- women CAN DO WRONG.

What they won’t do is back down and admit it. It’s my day off and I made Sergeant on COD (no I am not that good but I like the game), so goes without saying, I don’t want to be writing- so I’ll cut if short without getting all up in the details and I can get back to killin’… below is (hopefully) the last exchange between the supposed “writers” of that blog and I.

Long story – short, for a comment on their blog, they came to my facebook page, attacked me personally, insulted me personally, and behaved ina way that if I were culpable of, I would probably be booted off Facebook for and branded some kind of raging stalker.

Yet, apparently for no other reason than because they “feel like it” they saw fit to react that way to a meaningless comment I sincerely did’t even remember until a little more back and forth and a few more rounds of Death Match on COD.

If you want to see the whole thing I can friend you on Facebook or send it to you, no problem- but more importantly to my readers, however few you may be- I can make you this promise…

I will never disrespect you personally or attack you in any way for any comment or opinion you have of me or my writing. I think what these women did was heinous and if that were a standard of blogging, I shudder to think of the lows to which this medium of communication would fall to.  I will always, if even necessary to respond at all, respond to the points of conversation and NEVER use the written word to try and lash out at you and hurt you for anything you may say to me because of anything I’ve written.

In one of the responses I made the analogy that what they did is the equivalent of a person reading the newspaper and going to the offices of the paper and spitting on people in the office- it’s just way – way out of bounds. Any other points I made are touched on below.

Have a great Veteran’s Day all. 

  • Cocktails AtTiffanys 

    Because it is a HUMOR blog, how do you not fucking understand that? Our readers asked us to start an advice column for them to write in because they wanted us to give them HUMOROUS advice. Do you understand yet? Or are you just that fucking stupid? There is no lack of self control, you don’t know who we are, therefor we don’t give a flying fuck and can and will say whatever we want. You insulted our blog, you’re damned right we’re going to say something and stand up for it and ourselves. And please please tell us we are immature again because that is going to change how we act. That’s called sarcasm, hopefully you understand that better than humor.
  • Daniel Damian Mendez 

    Where’s the joke? Its a humor blog, so where is the comical response? Even that would have been better than the attack, and personal attack at that- that you seemed to think was an appropriate response to a comment from a nobody who reads your blog… You can’t support your argument or justify coming on my facebook page and attacking me. You just can’t. In this stream of back and forth messages, nothing. Nothing but contradiction. Both you, whoever is writing now, the less-than-professional “writer” and the non-professional writer- neither of you seem to get it. I made my point. Several in fact, but it seems youre of the typical female mentality that when your “feelings” are hurt, any response you make, even when way out of bounds, unprofessional, immature, raging, stalkerish and profane- is justifiable because aw poo-baby, little girl says it is. 

    Well it’s not. Unless the glass ceiling is justified and women should be held down because they can’t hack it in a man’s world, and you agree with that- then there is no excuse for the reaction you allowed yourself to have to a little itty bitty comment about your blog. I mean are you freaking serious? The rules don’t apply to you? If I reacted the way you did I would be called a psycho- and like I said, if men and women are equals, which I would like to think they are (your example aside), then you reacted like a complete psycho. I’m home chiilin’ and bam-bam-bam, 4, 5, text messages on my phone- blowing it up with insults and personal attacks- all because of a what? Three line comment saying eh, I’m not confident in your advice??? I had to stop what I was doing, go to the PC and see who the hell was freaking out and how badly.

    So which is it? Are you a stereotypical woman who got hysterical over nothing, and we have to excuse you for this apparent handicap and call what you did “excusable under the circumstances” because of your gender… or are you a mature person who lost their shit over nothing and big enough to say youre sorry?

    I cant emphasize enough- how if I did what you did, I would be branded all sort of sick names- and I’d deserve it- so how is it you think you can go there?

    do you knwo how well you would have come off had you simply said “hmm, too bad you think so” or engaged me as to why I feel that way? Do you realize how good it would have made you and your blog look if you simply took the overly emotionalism out of it and made me engage you in return, made me justify my comment? I might have ended up playing the gentleman and apologizing even, but this way- for-get-it.

    You claim “humor” and yet- I see no Daniel Tosh-ish come-backs from you, something I could respect! All I see is rage and irrationality.

    And I think everyone sees it.

    It’s a shame. With every critical comment you have an opportunity to either learn about yourself and your writing, or the chance to teach someone else they are not doing a good enough job in interpreting your work- and you failed at both.

    A chance to show me up, change my mind, blown. And what you have done, is only support the sentiment with which I did rather flippantly write that off handed statement.

    So how does it feel? To know you acted a fool, embarrassed yourself, your blog, your gender even- on an off handed comment I sincerely didn’t even remember when confronted with your craziness?

    In terms you might understand… isn’t it a bit like confronting a guy you slept with for not calling you back when you run into him some time later- and he says to you … “uhm, who are you again?”

    I think even in my responses I’ve been ten times more sarcastic and humorous than you claim to be.

    Maybe you should pay me, since I got THIS kind of reaction from YOU in just a few words through a comment- imagine what I could do as a columnist!

    LOL!

    Have fun faux-justifying yourselves ladies. It’s never gonna be OK no matter how many Cocktails at Tiffany’s.

iPhone girls are whores.

November 10, 2010 Leave a comment

I’m thumbing through my copy of Men’s Health and I catch this headline in the corner of my eye…

“iPhone Girls Have More Fun”

“Researchers asked 9,785 30 year olds which phone they carry and how many sexual partners they’ve had.” it said.

The results put Android users at around 6, Blackberry users between 8 and 9, and iPhone users at 10-12. 12 being the female number.

Other than this being a gratuitous opportunity by me to call women whores, and to post an entry to my dusty blog…

I guess there’s no other reason.

I googled the title of the blurb and this link came up… Don’t blame me, blame the researchers.

http://techcrunch.com/2010/08/10/gadget-porn/

Dirty Girls.

Maura Kelly & Should “Fatties” Get a Room? (Even on TV?)

October 28, 2010 2 comments

The following is a reply I’m posting to all blogs responding to the Maura Kelly blog about fat people- feel free to follow suit if you are as offended as I am at the spineless BS of the media- as IF we don’t have enough problems in this country getting honesty from the press;

“The real shame is when someone responds honestly to a question and instead of being asked to expound, they are instead Pounded into submission by a spineless editorial leadership. Ms. Kelly expressed what everyone feels and was brave enough and honest enough to innocently express it. It’s a crying shame indeed that when this happens a woman is not lauded for her frankness but instead is run asunder by the needing to be politically correct and thus giving misogynists even more reason to say the glass ceiling is there for a reason. Do you all know the damage you have done for sparing the feelings of people whose time has long seen past for this kind of

tough love help? America is overweight. Plain and simple. It’s a problem in part because it’s not addressed honestly, and an environment and market is made wide open for the deception of consumers desperately seeking solutions. Part of the solution is to be honest about what feelings obesity create in the general public. Speaking from experience, when one is made aware, clearly and without compromise the gravity of ones situation, that is when change begins to happen. No watered down apology or endless health news reports will do what the cold hard truth does. I think Marie Claire should reconsider their position and do their job in GUIDING the communication they are generously providing to their consumers rather than cowering and kowtowing to what they fear by mere presumption will be a backlash they cannot come out on top of. Today could have been a day where Marie Claire was heralded albeit controversially, for providing the truth in publishing, drawing more attention and readers than this scared little position they are taking. I feel sorry for women, having this type of representation. My respect goes out to Maura Kelly, and a slap on the wrist, but with understanding still, since we all have to pay the bills and are in the position where we cannot help but do as we are asked at times. The real shame as I’ve said twice already- is that she doesn’t work for editors with more spine- and that there seems to be a swarm of fellow women eager to take bites out of her like a veritable feeding frenz

y instead of rallying to support her, when all of you know you think the same thing- or you would all allow yourselves to get in the shape of those Ms. Kelly justifiably criticized.”

Additionally 

Disclaimer: marie claire logo is used for reference only,this blog has no affiliation with that entity

Disclaimer: marie claire logo is used for reference only,this blog has no affiliation with that entity

I think it’s a clear example of the low intellect of the American public that the media, be it Marie Claire or all who followed their lead in reporting the story, do it without one hint of the sentiments I’m expressing here. It’s as if the general, and accepted consensus is that people are too stupid to think for themselves and recognize that this is simply a blogger being honest. Leaders, as editors and news professionals are- like it or not- take no initiative in guiding communication in the appropriate- and INTELLIGENT direction for fear of being “unpopular”. And if being “popular” means keeping the attention of a majority group- then thats saying “the majority of the general public is stupid, so lets keep them happy”. As much as an obesity problem, America has a Stupidity, or rather, Education problem. This hasn’t been news to me, as I am a victim of it, but its in the news now because as is the case, pathetically, America doesn’t care about an issue until there’s a movie made about it (Waiting for Superman). And this little blip, is a direct result in my opinion- of that lack of education and resulting lack of intelligence in the public.

Alicia Keys… write your own blog!?

About a month ago, maybe a couple of weeks, but in linear time what with the internet and all, time seems to move faster… I recieved a Monster.com e mail that included a Head Blogger position offered by AK Unlimited… I was curious- what must one have as far as credentials, to be  Head Blogger? Immature jokes aside.

I clicked on the link and was suprised to find that AK Unlimited stood for Alicia Keys.

Now I am no R&B fan. I am latin, and though I may walk down the street and you probably type me as someone listening to that clown music noise, Bachata, that blares from the noisy mufflered dropped down neighborhood racers uptown or in the spanish neighborhoods in the outer boroughs (self loathing- check)- you’d probably be suprised I’m actually very happy listening to a Clash or Kings of Leon Station on Pandora, if not just U2. I identify as American, and I answer the overly common question “where are you from?” with just that- American. And I correct- “do you want to know where my parents are from?” With a warning- “but remember, knowing where they immigrated from isn’t going to tell you much about who I am, it’s only going to tell you where THEY came from”.

I recently answered the question as to why I dont like R&B by saying it was horny gospel to a hip hop beat. Its bad enough hip hop has been gangster bastarized since we heard the last of Tribe Called Quest or Funkdoobiest as well as all that came before… and I’m not saying there isnt appeal to Biggy or the Staten Island monstrocity that is the Wu!  But for the most part its violent posturing garbage and I don’t listen to it anymore, save the talent and graces of such empresarios such as the Roots and Mos Def, and the Beastie Boys- keeping the art alive- purely. So that being said, less a reason to catch any R&B on the side… I’m just not exposed to it…

But once in a while someone rises up from the muck and the mire… someone strikingly beautiful and talented, seemingly uncorrupted by the travesties of her own culture or the travesties of those condescending cultures around her, and you sit amazed at what god created, if there is one, which she makes you believe, for the moment- there might be. Alicia Keys.

So I said “hmm, interesting, I would put my name in the hat if I were more ’bout-it’, or had my credentials in order, or were more deeply involved in being the writer I wanted to be back in 2000”. And I moved on, no other thoughts in mind. Certainly not blogging about it.

There was a blurb on some news show? A week later? I think it was New York One? Maybe? I was working out at the time and it was on the side of empowering women or something. I am not a woman, as much as some days I wish I could be- so I can get over on society- but THAT’S another blog for another day! In the end I thought to myself, “hmm, getting it kinda late there”. And again, moved on, thinking “I wonder who they’re gonna get for that position?… Lucky bitch”

But now today, another Monster posting for the same postion??? and well… it does take a little prodding and poking to wake the dragon some days… But when you wake him, Damian being his name, he gonna spit fire. So here goes…

What the fuck is going on? What does this say about either the R&B community, or the Black community? Seriously? There are no competent bloggers who want this job? Have you read the damn posting? Shyit, I WANT THIS JOB! Can you imagine? Hanging out with the Keys crew, traveling, schmoozing, chillin, and writing???? Dude, I’m not into R&B but you do NOT have to threaten me with a good time but once and I am in.

I could die doing that job and if Alicia Keys is the last thing I see in this life, I’m ok with that.

But back to the point (usually where I piss people off)…

What does this say? Are there no competent writers, African American or otherwise- who want this position? Are the majority of bloggers too white, if like myself even not, white?

Is this a racial thing? Is the Keys camp flipping through resume’s and saying – nah, nah, nah, too white? Or are they flipping through rez’ and saying hmm, maybe, but he/she too white? (if theyre black- which I need to start the revolution now and call black- Brown, ok?)

Or without the racial component at all (SO FUCKING UNLIKELY- hello reverse racism! oh yeah- talk about it- its out there and its happenning right now as we speak/ read)- are they just not happy with the applicants over all?

Whats going on? I thought this position would be filled by now.

Why doesn’t she write her own blog? Dictate that shit?

I love Alicia Keys, I think she’s amazing. In fact I DL’d the song New York last week because I just realized it was missing from what I listen to (and no I’m not justifying myself to you- who the fuck are you? I’m just sayin’, thats an amazing song and pure genius that strikes to the core of being a New Yorker, while including those adopted to our shitty city)… and I keep it in my A1 playlist amongst the Clash, Kings of Leon, Radiohead, U2, Glasvegas, The Killers, and more. I dont know if AK would appreciate being grouped in that way, but I know her wallet would if the rest of the world accepts her in the same regard. You dont wanna be Maxwell or others who get stuck in Brown’sville because they shun the mainstream for the love of their own… which they may get, but not in the form of cold hard cash to pay the bills. Maxwell was the shit though, say no. So was badu and what was his name… sang Brown Sugar and played himself with the naked video? Whatevs.

How do I end this blog now?

Like this…

When I told the asking party why I don’t listen to R&B my answer, I added a few minutes later as I bopped my head to the first part of a Black Eyed Peas song, because the latter part tries too hard to be dance and quite franky sucks… I said…

“the other reason I dont listen to too much rap or any R&B anymore is, ’cause when I do, it brings out the nigger in me”

Again, another blog for another time, lol.