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How a caveman saves my life each day…

This is an old one I think about in unrelated ways so many times each day the challenge in writing about it now is peeling it off the insides of my mind without tearing it to shreds like that as-is sale price sticker that’s razor cut in all directions (and you can’t imagine why they do this to the sticker?) on the trendy chairs you bought from Ikea for your kitchen that you would have never paid full price for since really theyre just a little wood and cheap metal screwed together- but youre truly grateful for the opprotunity since without them the favorite picture of your girlfriend laughing in a little black dress where she looks amazing and so happy would have never been possible.

Can you say run-on-sentence?

But yes, I digress, and not only to impress…

So every day we hear about this or that which effects our lives in a negative way- remember the Acid Rain craze back in the day? Did I just date myself? If so- fuck it, maybe you’re too young to get in this club. Most recently- Salt is the enemy- right? I just read how Semen has cholesterol in it- what will this do to my sex life? Now you’re wondering if I’m gay- aren’t you?

But seriously folks, how many other things are we always hearing from the media? I remember being told to drink alot of water if I wanted to lose weight. Then years later- hearing how drinking too much water can literally kill you!

Too much coffee is bad for you- but yet, now the body supposedly gets water from wherever it needs it- liquid or solid that’s ingested- right? Having lived on coffee for days on end myself- I can attest to this fact. Too much coffee will not kill you. It will only make your pee smell fresh brewed.

And ladies, Semen is 99% water- only 1% Sperm, so as long as your man is eating a lot of fruit for taste- come on down and wet-yer-whistle!

I’m waiting for the new studies that are bound to come out on Sugar- no one is using Sugar, Sucre, Azucar anymore are they? It’s SO bad for us! I just came from Starbucks now and I couldn’t subsidize my guilty pleasure visit by stealing a little Splenda because everyone else seems to prefer it over the pink and blue brands (or they’re stealing it before I can)- which I won’t mention by name because I am making a mental note to buy Splenda stock man, wtf, can’t support or advertise the competition after all.

I’m waiting- and I can bet we’ll get both an alert about sweeteners and the health risks associated to them- again- and the benefits of natural sugar in our diets- like with drinking. Moderation – moderation – moderation. A little bit of anything- isn’t a bad thing.

Except Dick- right ladies? Is it just me or god dammit don’t ladies just want more and more dick? If I have to hear ready for round four one more time – I’m tellin’ ya I’m just gonna lop it off. You hold your breath till I do. But seriously, if dick were salty, there’d be some high choleterol havin’ bitches out there. And ladies, if you’re thinking- but wait- dick IS salty- then you need to tell your man to take a bath.

And don’t get me wrong- I’m not gonna go gay because of too much pussy- no way. But I may take a break for a minute and play my xbox. I’m just saying- give a guy a break- act like I can’t get it so I wanna chase it, and then you ‘ll get all you want.

Moderation when it comes to Dick too. Moderation Media! Tell the ladies!

But that’s what they do- the media- telling us the obvious- because we’re too stupid to figure it out for ourselves.

Like with Soda-pop? Yeah I said pop. I like the way it sounds.

Soda is baaaaad for you said the nanny goat. Tax dat shit!

Well I can’t remember any more of these examples but you get the gist of it- and my whole thing is- fuck it.

Did I suprise you? Not if you’ve read my blog before I didn’t.

A fucking Cave Man saves my life every god damned day. Because if I want some Sugar, I’ll have it. If I want a Cigarette- I’ll have it. If I want one more drink- I’ll have it. If I want a bag of Doritos that are packed with preservatives and Salt, a Steak, another cup of Coffee, or anything someone else may say “hey- that’s not so good for you- you better watch it” I say fuck it, deep fry me another!

Why? Because I think of the Cave Man… No one was around looking into shit and broadcasting to Bedrock how this that and the other thing is bad for you today- and OK for you tomnorrow as long as you don’t do too much.

The Cave Man did what the fuck he wanted, when he wanted, as he needed and as he pleased. He lived loud and proud and didn’t have to be gay to say so. He wasn’t “trying” to live any longer than what was coming to him. He was content living Today- and if he saw some cute cave woman ass he wanted to take a bite out of- he didn’t think to himself “hmm, that ass may be high in cholesterol”. Nope, he just bonked her over the head and bit that ass. Yum!

Maybe a little salty considering the times, what with no soap and all.

Find me the gliph where the Cave Man was bitchin about the price of… Anything! You know the saying. But you dont see any cave paintings depicting toomuch fat on the mamoth meat so eat the shrubs instead do ya? No. Cave Man didn’t give a shit.

That helps me out in my daily decision making process believe it or not.

Of course I think of one other thing… the occasional story we hear of the athlete or just the plain clean living guy who keels over of a heart attack one day. He was a vegetarian, ran x amount of miles a week- never smoked a day in his life and said No to drugs – god bless’em!

Give him back his last day of life and I bet that fucker would fuck a high priced hooker without a condom while eating a steak and doing lines of coke off her back and wash it all down with a beer and shot of Yeager between puffs off his Malboro 100’s.

Point is, this is life mother fuckers. Live it.

Of course, don’t over do it to a point you’re not enjoying yourself anymore- because then you’re just a dick. But please, Vegans for example- lighten the fuck up. Yes, we are human and we CAN be above it- but really? Why should we?

Our very existence on this planet- the way we are- our society- so called humanity- by nature extinguishes life around us.

Who was better than us? The Eskimos? Fuckers killed whales and seals to live- had their numbers increased- do you thiknk they’d have an Eskimo Greenpeace? No. The Polar Bears would have been next.

Who else? The American Indians? They already smoked Tobacco and the wacky tabaccy when Europeans got here to fuck them up. Thay had and still have Peyote, and well, they would have invented Cocaine and Alcoholic beverages eventually with their sense of experimantation- so really? We’d still have a polluted and used up world one way or another. There is no pure human race. At it’s best- humanity can only be delayed in destroying the Earth. There is no stopping it. If there is- prove me the fuck wrong.

I told a Greenpeace guy the other day- in response to his jovial opener “hey! you look like an environemtally concious kind of guy!” – I said “really? that’s funny cause’ I’m a nihalist” as I tipped my Starbucks at him and lit a cigarette after he made a snide comment about “good luck with that”- for which I thanked him of course. No need to be rude to the panzy.

I just thought to myself- if the fit WAS to hit the shan- I’d like to find him and ask him to go save a whale instead of thnking about his own survival.

Me? I’ll eat Him for dinner when the zombie’s rise. Shit, there are some days in recent history that this fucker better stay away from the barbeque sauce if I’m broke three days to payday- he’s out saving a whale? The fucking audacity of this asshole when there are people starving on the streets!

And why the fuck is he on my New York City sidewalk when he should be swimming around int he gulf saving a fucking pelican that didnt know any better and would have died if dumb bleeding heart humans didnt take it upon themselves to save the fucking pelican’s life anyway!

I mean seriously?!?! If the Pelican, with its huge underbeak, were known for lets say… stealing babies by swooping down and grabbing them up in their beak sack and hauling them away to be slowly picked at and eaten alive for weeks.. do you think we’d be saving them from the gulf disaster?

Nope. I’m sure humans would be like – good, die baby killer.

Well I bet the Pelican kills enough fish babies- why dotn you care abotu that and let the buird just die. It’s nature! Leave it alone!

If the Pelican survives now, in numbers greater than nature dictated, and in their population they develop a strain of bacteria that would have otherwise been culled by nature- a bacteria that attacks the human immune system- and one we can’t find a cure for because we need one now that we’ve weakened our own natural immune systems with anti-biotics for sure- then who do we blame for that perversion of nature?

I’m not cleaning no pelicans that’s for sure. I respect every creature’s right to commit stupi-cide. If that creature is too stupid to stay away from some stink ass oil- maybe it deserves to die?

Maybe its the rotting corpses of all the dead sea life that would have kept the oil from reaching shore!? Maybe it’s the Pelicans and Turtles and whatever else is out there that died in the Gulf that were trying to save Us?!?! Ever think about that?

How about if those were the stupid Pelicans- and by saving them we prevented the survival of the fittest for that species and have subsequently delayed the progress of that species to reaching higher intelligence by forcing the stupid gene back into circulation when nature was trying to eliminate it so one day Pelicans can rule the world?

What if?

Remember those comics? Those were the shit.

But again- I kid thee, but seriously, what if… and I double-digress…

I gave in to a cute store bought redhead goth chick the other day and adopted a kid from her… a moment of weakness… I liked her tattoos… oh shush my girlfriend hadn’t told me she loved me yet so it’s ok… but I specifically told her “a kid from Peru”…

My mom is from Peru and there is a lot of poverty there- so though I may not always have a buck in my pocket, but I have fat on my ass that can carry me to the next meal- they don’t have that gluttonous American privilege.

Guess what? I get the thing in the mail- they gave me a kid in Colombia… I look at the receipt- Peru isnt even on that list… Fuckers jipped me and pawned off a Colombian kid… Dude I live in Woodside, I helped a Colombian kid when I went one neighborhood over to Jackson Heights and ate at Natives (on 82nd and Northern Blvd btw, Queens- excellent food!) with my girlfriend last weekend and feasted. I don’t need to adopt no Colombian kid??? They have cartels and militants and kidnappers that can do that shit over there- they don’t need Me!?!?

So you see? Cave Man could have saved me $22 right there had I listened to him. But I didn’t. Flirty goth punk chick with the nice boobies, damn.

In the end- Cavey saves my life because he makes my life richer and fuller and worth living. If I don’t listen to Cave Man and take his advice about making the most of this life while I have it- and not worrying so much about the contents of a meal or the ultimate consequences of that recreational drug, lol, and when he waxes all buddha-poetic-surfer about accepting life and its choices for you- as well as the choices you have to make- then I know I’ll end up where as he calls it- under the mammoth’s ass after breakfast.

What he means is- I’ll end up with regrets.

Pass the tostones and the chicharon, I know they’re deep fried, but theyre fucking good.

And that’s what I wanna say when I take my last breath.

That shit was fuckin gooood.

Not- I wish I had… irrk.

Thanks Cave Man!

My IDGAF hero.

(Side note; Girlfriend trumps Cave Man because she loves me- for her I GAF)

What is there to Opine on today?

Hmm, lets see… I’m sick so the general apathy I usually feel is amplified by a tenth to the I dont give a fuck multiplied by Pi.

What’s Obama up to? The financial reform bill? Fuck this, why don’t we just police all these peoples shit and tax their bonuses as income, because it IS income to those recieving them, and thats that! holy shit what is the fucking fuss? They fucked up, now you take away the privilege thats been abused- fucking basics man. I’m tired of the media placating these morons who object to obvious shit.

Tea Party… hmm, republicans who want to do bigoted shit and dont want it traced back to the republican party… need I say more? Thanks Jon Stewart for clearing that up, or was it Bill Maher?

Oh, and some Jag off said volcanoes are caused by women dressing scantily? I wish this were true so I can go jack a deisel hummer and head for the compound as armageddon ensues due to the already billions of women out there showing their god blessed sexiness, as wel as all the strippers working hard for their money- all setting the world off its axis, causing the techtonic plates to shift and the earth to open up and swallw assholes like that who make REEEEEE- diculous comments because they cant get none!

Maybe there’s hope after all- But not through Government.

February 16, 2010 Leave a comment

Adding Rocket Man to His Résumé

If you care about the advancement of man-kind, the Human species, and not so much about the importance of really good 3-d movies, because frankly Avatar wont save the world, it will just entertain it as it burns- then read this and maybe feel some hope.