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City Planning- your guide to New York, and the apocalypse

December 16, 2010 Leave a comment

Sorry Nation (to borrow a term from Colbert), but today’s, or rather, this weeks Opinion is just about NYC.

I’m crammed in a train today, as most days, and I look out of the train’s window, across to the opposite platform at Times Square station, and I wonder- Did anyone plan on this city being so overcrowded?

Redundant question- I know. The very term overcrowded denotes there could be no planning. No one plans for OVER-crowding. They may plan for crowds, but not an overage. Overage is what happens in the absence of planning, ok, ok. 

So in this millisecond my thoughts move to how ripe this city is for any kind of terrorist attack or natural disaster that would have the highest death toll ever- and from there of course to my over repetitious thought of this being the very case against the free acts of terrorist cells- and how they’re likely controlled by some government source that only releases the hounds so to speak, when the corporate bosses that hold their leashes say it would be conducive to revenue streams.

All of which always ends in the thought “whaaaaaat the fruck ever” I have to get to work so who cares?

Bottom line is, no one planned for this, and people, the ants, or sheep that we are- just wiggle around in the pens made for us, not using any sort of real intelligence to make a better life, or a better world for ourselves* (note- remind me to opine on the difference between the European public, and the American public when it comes to asserting control over their destinies vs. the political regime’s looking to profit from their lives, like a ranch owner would his cattle).

So then I say to myself, well of course- what we need is a reduction in head count here, so the city can be a little more livable. the buildings are built upwards, not outwards, and there is no more ground level space to move around in anymore. People are going to start falling off the platforms in the transit system.

Solution; consolidate housing.

You can’t really consolidate work space- I mean, you can, but I’ll get to that next.

Consolidation of housing means you take the space of two apartments- and make it one.

Yes, there will never be a cessation of greed, so there will never be a landlord, landowner, who in their philanthropic best, will concede to- not losing money- but making less than the overbloated mess of money they make now- and have to then cut back on the equally bloated mess of a privileged life they likely lead. No, that’s not going to happen- but still- this needs to be done- so of course, then the two 2 million dollar spaces for example, will not cost 2.5 million when consolidated, but instead cost 4 million for the one space it then would be- but you tell me- could you have afforded it at 2 million anyway- what do you care? Thats one less multi millionaire taking up space in New York City.

That’s a good thing. 

Instantly (well, instantly after the buzzards are done ravaging the opportunity for construction of these changes) you have half the rich people you had before, living in New York.

I know, this doesn’t make my train any less crowded by much- but it helps. But you have to remember- a one room studio in New York City proper- the island of Manhattan where greed is at it’s worst- costs about $1 million.

Co-ops, average about the same. Sure you can find some pushing up against old New York (poor neighborhoods- i.e. gentrification) for less, but less I would guess to say is maybe a little under half a million dollars, and the maintenance you would pay is about as much as rent up to 10 miles outside the City, in the pre-burbs (my term). The area before Long Island that is the legitimate suburbia, but outside “The City” of New York, Manhattan Island.

We’re talking 2-6 miles inland of Brooklyn and Queens. The immediate surrounding areas in these Boroughs have been swallowed up by gentrification already- the rents and prices of property are in the outlandish bracket- well, outlandish unless you inherited money or were put through school by your parents AND make a little more than a livable wage. Staten Island and the Bronx are anomalies.

Staten Island should be sold to New Jersey because it’s inhabitants are very strange, if not just as bad as any ghetto peeps, excuse the colloquialisms. The Bronx, has to wait for the island of Manhattan to be completely consumed by gentrification, don’t worry, they’re working on it- they’re up to the mid-100’s streets now. It used to be all Caucasians got off the train at 86th street, but now they stay on a couple more stops.  But the strange thing about the Bronx is that it does have it’s nice areas, but you have to go through the ghetto to get there. As opposed to Brooklyn and Queens where gentrification makes it the other way around.

So anyway, there would be less rich people, and less middle income people, and who cares about low income people like me, we couldn’t afford it anyway, so we keep our commute, only with less shoulders to rub up against on the way in and out.

Now like I said before- the rich don’t all take the train or bus, they drive and take cabs- hello? And Hello? Less cars, less cabs, less traffic, less gridlock, less pollution.

For the landlord greed mongers- less expense. How? Well less people means less water used, reduction in water bills per property- you greedy bastards.

For the city, a reduction in the same, and thus an extension on the already dilapidated infrastructure’s expiration date. More time to reinforce that shyit, or do you not mind the occasional steam pipe burst that takes out an entire city block and cuts tax revenue by repair cost and lost income to the merchants on that block? it happened not too long ago.

Not to mention the lawsuits that come from such catastrophes.

Well, long story short- there are a lot of benefits to this kind of change, I won’t get too much more into it because frankly, who am I in the here and now? Sure, we’ll pack away a mental note for when I can do something about it- but right now I’m too busy with Graffitti Park and other aspects of life to give this more thought than is allowed on a train ride- and then- only because I have to ride a cattle car passing for a passenger train to work.

Most days I just think about how much I wish the world would end so I could never have to go into the subways again, and the woman pressed up against me with the perfect skin and expensive lifestyle would cling to me for survival instead of stand on the other side of the class divide that can be infinitely wide, even while millimeters apart.

Not that I wouldn’t shake her off for holding me back mind you.

(smile)

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Comment on; Where do you put a Mosque?

August 17, 2010 1 comment

Link to original blog

Answer: You put a Mosque, and for that matter a Church, a Synagogue, a Temple, a friggin Tree people want to pray to on Arbor Day… Anywhere the laws of the land will allow. This is the United States of America and Freedom, as much as humanly possible, is what we stand for.

I’ll continue this rant on my own blog…

I happen to work for The City of New York in a capacity that affords me the unfortunate privilege to have the opinions of New Yorkers and now with this Mosque debate- any jerk off who has an opinion outside of our city- thrown at me. I have to hear all of it. In the last months, there has been a grand total of three… that’s THREE supportive opinions I have heard regarding this matter- the rest are from people who for all my ability to try and extend my understanding- simply put- need something to hate.

I have had enough time to think of all this. I have heard enough. I have spoken to parents of soldiers both alive and dead. I have spoken to parents and friends of those who died and those who worked at the 9-11 site. For them I feel remorse, of course, but no amount of loss is an excuse for uninformed irrationality- to put it nicely.

I have spoken to the crack pots who dont have anything else better to do but stick their noses in anything the media tells them they should care about. I have spoken to all of these people from all around the country.

Few of them can contain their rage to express themselves in a rational way. Most want to yell at whomever they get on the phone. One bordered on threatening terrorism himself. Most, have southern accents. Most, make the ignorant assumption that the Mayor of New York has the power of a King and that by his decree he has “allowed” this to occur. Those in particular I regard as Idiots.

But again, most just want to hate. The same emotion that fueled those who supposedly flew planes into the towers that morning.

I work here in the area. I was going to school at the foot of the WTC. I was, if not for my genuine disdain for Math Class, supposed to be there that morning. I worked at a school shortly there after- again, at the foot of the WTC, where an entire dorm room floor wall was covered with the names of those students and family of students and faculty that were lost that day.

I come to work every day- tolerant of the tourists holding their maps, looking for “the hole”.

It’s a tourist attraction to people. This, is nauseating to me. There isnt a god damned day I dont feel a sadness inside for what happened here. I see it- every- fucking- day.

So when I hear everybody and their mother think they have a qualified opinion on what goes on here in New York in relevance to the World Trade Center- you can imagine what I feel.

Yet, I tolerate you.

You, who would be no better than Jim Crowe or Hitler and take people’s rights away simply because you have the need… the NEED to hate.

I have to leave this job. I have seen too much of what the general public is like, and honestly, it’s killed my faith in mankind, and even American Ideals.

This country is filled with corruption and bigotry. People, who even if we do have the worst ecducational system in the world, should know better, should recognize that NONE OF US COME FROM THIS LAND! They don’t have the basic kindness and common sense to ever allow me to think this world will be a better place.

Honestly, I’m ok with not having kids now that I’ve worked here, and heard all of you people and your “opinions”.

No one, not one organization in the world, has stepped up to say, when they do build the Mosque, we will come to help. We will lay brick and mortar with you in the name of Peace and for the end of violence and aggression between the faiths of this world.

That, is truly sad.

I’m reading America’s Hidden History by Kenneth C. Davis right now, and in the first few pages alone, I’ve learned the fact that most of history’s conflict, has alwys been about religion. World wide.

I am of no faith, but support any theology that gives people comfort- and no theology that looks to convert or to keep people from their own choice.

I thought once the Bush administration left office, I could be proud to be an American again… but I see that isn’t going to happen. There are just too many hateful bigoted stupid ignorant people in this country and I can’t defend you anymore.

Thanks, all of you.

Thanks for ruining what could have been a wonderful country.

And in a way, maybe thats how we should deal with you. Let you have the country and let you run it into the ground with your hate. When you get yourselves destroyed, we, the peaceful intelligent and tolerant people can come back and be better off.

Change is good they say?

Well let’s see how this change in theme works out. I liked Hemmingway. It was dark and serious like me. But this one caught my eye today. Lets see what happens.

The Road. Movie, based on book by Cormac McCarthy; Lessons learned.

Lessons Learned…

1. The end is near.

2. Ya better be ready. In every way.

3. Women are quitters. If y’can’t keep them comfortable, they kill themselves.

4. Men are stubborn, and don’t kill themselves when they probably should.

5. If you have an attachment to supposed “good” things, such as benevolence to others, generosity, kindness to others… you’ll have a harder time surviving in a world without laws and government to protect you- than one who is selfish and self serving.

6. The apocalypse (non-religious), will not be pretty in any way, back to lesson #2.

Seriously though, I’m sure, as is always the case, there is a lot more in the book. So hints the Wiki page with the reference to a newborn being roasted on a spit.

My thoughts are if that’s what’s going on in CM’s mind, he should maybe pick up the paint brush and give Geiger and Manson a run for their money.

I watch these kinds of movies and it goes through my mind what I would do… I wouldn’t, if dragging around a young son, be walking up to houses I haven’t thoroughly scouted out- we’re talking watching the house until nightfall. You’re in a rush? Where do you have to be? All appointments have been cancelled due to the apocalypse. You’re hungry? Hmm, gonna be less hungry in a few hours? Less hungrier when you’re watching them hack your kid to bits and offering you a bit of son-bacon? No. You dig in and watch. You do what you do right, because you have no second chances and the cost of failure is too high to even consider.

I wouldn’t, once in those houses, be scurrying about raising a ruckus searching for a tool to open a locked cellar, without searching the entire house for signs of cannibalism, if I am aware this is what people are engaging in. If you see signs, you KNOW what’s down there- and you also know you didn’t wait and watch long enough- and it’s time to go. Now.

I wonder too who these movies are made about? Who are these books written about? I’d like to think I’d be less inept in dire circumstances. Is this the average Joe? Is this the author? Are most people THAT passive? How does he not have more than one gun? I’d have had at LEAST one just having a pregnant wife BEFORE the apocalypse. The kid was five years old or more when the wife decided to take a walk… you DIDN’T have time to acquire yourself some traveling security? There wasn’t a what-if lightbulb flickering in your head somewhere? With that kind of time I’d of had gone out, gotten myself a suitable truck or bus, fortified it, loaded it up with fuel, weapons and supplies, maybe gotten a neighbor or two to join  the team (gotta think about the kid’s chances at procreating too), and been ready for when the time comes we stop sitting around on our asses waiting for the establishment to respond.

You watch this kind of thing, and you think this way, and then you understand why the lady, mother of a child, decides to eat it. This guy is just sitting around waiting saying I love you baby- I mean really? Come on? I love you isnt going to feed or protect the family.

But then again, I do think that for all one can be prepared for the fall of civilization- the irony will be that the environment that affords you that likely honest evaluation is likely the very reason you’ll never even get the chance to prove it.

I live in New York.

If it’s a man made catastrophe that brings about the end of the world as we know it- I’m already dead.

If it’s a natural disaster- this is a coastal city in the north east. What are the chances I’m drowned under a tsunami or something?

All I’m saying is… when it’s on, you get up and you go. Get the shit you’re gonna need to survive, if you don’t already have it.

In respect to suicide and mass hysteria, over confidence in religion and government, these kinds of movies all share a similar opinion I agree with.

In fact, for me at least- it doesn’t take a cataclism for me to say what these movies say about those subjects. Most people are idiots, when the fit hits the shan smart or not you’ll realize it’s really just a personal choice whether you want to stay among the living or not and most- probably won’t have the faith in either themselves, government or their god to stick it out anyway.

Lucky it’s just a movie huh?

Come to think of it when the world shits on itself, I would head right to the nearest Starbucks, seize it, fortify it, and when the dust settles, make a killing on bartering for cinnamon dolce lattes.

HNIC here I come.

Why?

June 23, 2010 Comments off

Why is it in a person’s custom to introduce themselves to an anonymous someone answering a phone in an office somewhere?

If you’re calling an individual in some rergard- it’s understandable, necessary and polite… but if you’re calling a public office or a business, such as a customer service center and you’re not required to identify your account- then why are you stating your name?

Who cares who the fuck you are?

**

Why when you give someone exactly what they are looking for- because you know what they need, since it’s your job to recognize their needs as soon as they state them clearly- do those people question your determination- if they came to you for the answer they couldn’t figure out for themselves in the first place?

**

Why are most people opposed to clear communication? Why must they find the path most complicated towards reaching their goal- when communicating?

**

Why can’t most people just recognize, and answer, a Yes or No question when asked?

Why must they respond with a story? An elaboration on details that if they were of any consequence – you would’nt have had to interrupt them with a Yes or No question.

**

Why can’t people learn to simply ask for what they want in a direct way? Why must people approach the attaining of information by telling you a story? Is this some ghetto form of communication I simply do not comprehend?

Why must I interrupt a “story” and ask- “What are you looking for?” – “What can I help you with?” – “Who do you want to speak to!?”??

**

These questions plague my mind every single god damned day, before and after I pick up the phone at work, several, and I mean several times- throughout the day.

People are generally stupid it seems. They clog their lives with unecessary irrelevant habits and customs preventing them from acheiving their goals, by preventing them from their own clarity of thought.

This, is the first and foremost reason I sincerely believe mankind is doomed to eventual extinction.

Most, are stupid in these ways and are followers who need to be led, but leaders are corrupt. Greed for money and power ruin any possibility of the evolutionary advancement of the human race.

There is no talking sense to most people. Instead of trying to get to a higher point- a point of progression- a mutual advanced understanding- all most people want to do is make it an arguement, and win that arguement- so they feel like they accomplished something- even if in accomplishing it- they held up their own advancement- and especially if they held up yours.

Misery, loves company they say. And the human race, however benevolent or gracious they may think they are- are miserable.

I’m for the closing of this chapter in the history of existence. This human thing is a failure.

Expectations of Failure.

Have you ever had a professor who you thought “no matter what I do- this fucker is going to fail me”? Like he was waiting for it. no matter what you came up with, this guy was waiting for the opportunity to pounce on whatever flaw they could find- because there will be one, always, since we’re human. Some of us have had relationships like this, where that significant other was always unsatisfied, no matter what you do- they would find something wrong with it.

In the professor/ student situation- it wasn’t like the unhappy professor could have tried to help you to achieve satisfactory work could they? it’s like they needed to hang back and wait for that satisfying feeling of putting you down in some way. Mr. Know-It-Alls that they are.

In the case of a relationship the same holds true, with a hostile sense of course, since it seems a personal vendetta.

At some point in both relationships though, I would hope the student or well-meaning significant other take a step back and say you know what? Fuck you. Either grab a row or get the fuck off the boat.

This is what our President needs to do.

I’m tired of waking up and reading how the press was sitting back waiting for the President to make his speech or make his statement or whatever he did next- and they found this fault and that fault and bla-bla-bla- Press, you’re starting to look like a bunch of unhappy bigoted bitches who can’t lift a finger to help the situation- but LOVE to criticize the man in charge who has to do the job. You don’t want to COME OUT and say the N… can’t do it, but god damned you fuckers are sure IMPLYING that’s your opinion every single god damned day.

What’s worse is- the man seems to care about you implying it.

I think it was completely wrong of Obama to cow-tow to the bigoted insecure people who questioned his methods and needed baby sitter hand holding at the beginning of the BP Oil Spill.

I watch the coverage and wonder if they feel any sense of shame? I feel sorry for this President who is forced to try to be a good-black President for what seems to be fear of being called a bad-black President.  When if you who have something to say- get on the fucking ticket and either take care of yourselves emotionally, not whining about “oh the president doesn’t love me”, or you in the press use some insight instead of that Professor who hates me or the girlfriend who is never happy attitude- and HELP the country understand the responsibility of the Office of the President instead of drumming up the bigot’s need to criticize what they can never understand- then maybe the Prez can feel free to do his fucking job the way he needs to do it instead of having to jump when you say jump.

If this President has failed at anything it’s been not putting all you assholes in your place. And isn’t it funny- it’s the critics who are using “the race card” these days to try and manipulate the Office of the President of the United States.

Am I failing to make my argument in some way?

Because if I am I can always just fall back on the default “you wouldn’t be saying this shit if he was white”- and its funny how that always seems to fit.

Wait till we have a President of Latin American descent- Then we’ll have a representation that will certainly put the press in their right place.

Thank you Daily Beast Cheat Sheet for setting me off. I would rather not be giving a shit.

I know – I know – If it’s not going to be the President (Bush) making me ashamed to be an American, it’s going to be the people when the President is other than white.

I know – I know – we have one of the worst educational systems in the world here on our land- and we have the double edged sword of freedom of speech and religion that make it so zealots and bigots and fanatics have to be tolerated- and most times its the combination of all of those factors that make for the most laughable if not for being so fucking scary examples of how human life maybe isn’t so precious all the time because it can go so wrong when you let EVERYONE just go on breathing even though they’re certainly acting like they don’t appreciate the life they have in the diverse world they’ve been gifted living in…

Yes, I know those factors have alot if not everything to do with the abhorrent stupidity one has to witness in this country and I should be more understanding- but it’s just fucking sad that in my life time I won’t get to see certain things that would come of progress- simply because mankind is busy wasting it’s time expressing and listening to expressions of this kind that do just that- simply waste fucking time- distact from things, and prevent a team effort to solve the problem.

What should the President have done?

Blame the terrorists for the oil spill? Then you assholes would be raising flags in support of anything and everything he would ask you to do- like going to war with a couple countries maybe?

Hey, it worked for his predecessor- right? 

You should be ashamed of yourselves.

An asshole idiot becomes president and you let him get away with everything under the sun- but a smart guy gets in office and you dicks cant do a damn thing but criticize.

It’s easy to pick on the smart guy I guess. When the criminal we had for eight years before that was just an unpredictable dumb ass with a big stick.

Everyone is just the scared neighbor who minds his business and keeps his mouth shut when it came to Bush. But now that Obama’s in town, you’re all brave & shit.

Cowards.

How a caveman saves my life each day…

This is an old one I think about in unrelated ways so many times each day the challenge in writing about it now is peeling it off the insides of my mind without tearing it to shreds like that as-is sale price sticker that’s razor cut in all directions (and you can’t imagine why they do this to the sticker?) on the trendy chairs you bought from Ikea for your kitchen that you would have never paid full price for since really theyre just a little wood and cheap metal screwed together- but youre truly grateful for the opprotunity since without them the favorite picture of your girlfriend laughing in a little black dress where she looks amazing and so happy would have never been possible.

Can you say run-on-sentence?

But yes, I digress, and not only to impress…

So every day we hear about this or that which effects our lives in a negative way- remember the Acid Rain craze back in the day? Did I just date myself? If so- fuck it, maybe you’re too young to get in this club. Most recently- Salt is the enemy- right? I just read how Semen has cholesterol in it- what will this do to my sex life? Now you’re wondering if I’m gay- aren’t you?

But seriously folks, how many other things are we always hearing from the media? I remember being told to drink alot of water if I wanted to lose weight. Then years later- hearing how drinking too much water can literally kill you!

Too much coffee is bad for you- but yet, now the body supposedly gets water from wherever it needs it- liquid or solid that’s ingested- right? Having lived on coffee for days on end myself- I can attest to this fact. Too much coffee will not kill you. It will only make your pee smell fresh brewed.

And ladies, Semen is 99% water- only 1% Sperm, so as long as your man is eating a lot of fruit for taste- come on down and wet-yer-whistle!

I’m waiting for the new studies that are bound to come out on Sugar- no one is using Sugar, Sucre, Azucar anymore are they? It’s SO bad for us! I just came from Starbucks now and I couldn’t subsidize my guilty pleasure visit by stealing a little Splenda because everyone else seems to prefer it over the pink and blue brands (or they’re stealing it before I can)- which I won’t mention by name because I am making a mental note to buy Splenda stock man, wtf, can’t support or advertise the competition after all.

I’m waiting- and I can bet we’ll get both an alert about sweeteners and the health risks associated to them- again- and the benefits of natural sugar in our diets- like with drinking. Moderation – moderation – moderation. A little bit of anything- isn’t a bad thing.

Except Dick- right ladies? Is it just me or god dammit don’t ladies just want more and more dick? If I have to hear ready for round four one more time – I’m tellin’ ya I’m just gonna lop it off. You hold your breath till I do. But seriously, if dick were salty, there’d be some high choleterol havin’ bitches out there. And ladies, if you’re thinking- but wait- dick IS salty- then you need to tell your man to take a bath.

And don’t get me wrong- I’m not gonna go gay because of too much pussy- no way. But I may take a break for a minute and play my xbox. I’m just saying- give a guy a break- act like I can’t get it so I wanna chase it, and then you ‘ll get all you want.

Moderation when it comes to Dick too. Moderation Media! Tell the ladies!

But that’s what they do- the media- telling us the obvious- because we’re too stupid to figure it out for ourselves.

Like with Soda-pop? Yeah I said pop. I like the way it sounds.

Soda is baaaaad for you said the nanny goat. Tax dat shit!

Well I can’t remember any more of these examples but you get the gist of it- and my whole thing is- fuck it.

Did I suprise you? Not if you’ve read my blog before I didn’t.

A fucking Cave Man saves my life every god damned day. Because if I want some Sugar, I’ll have it. If I want a Cigarette- I’ll have it. If I want one more drink- I’ll have it. If I want a bag of Doritos that are packed with preservatives and Salt, a Steak, another cup of Coffee, or anything someone else may say “hey- that’s not so good for you- you better watch it” I say fuck it, deep fry me another!

Why? Because I think of the Cave Man… No one was around looking into shit and broadcasting to Bedrock how this that and the other thing is bad for you today- and OK for you tomnorrow as long as you don’t do too much.

The Cave Man did what the fuck he wanted, when he wanted, as he needed and as he pleased. He lived loud and proud and didn’t have to be gay to say so. He wasn’t “trying” to live any longer than what was coming to him. He was content living Today- and if he saw some cute cave woman ass he wanted to take a bite out of- he didn’t think to himself “hmm, that ass may be high in cholesterol”. Nope, he just bonked her over the head and bit that ass. Yum!

Maybe a little salty considering the times, what with no soap and all.

Find me the gliph where the Cave Man was bitchin about the price of… Anything! You know the saying. But you dont see any cave paintings depicting toomuch fat on the mamoth meat so eat the shrubs instead do ya? No. Cave Man didn’t give a shit.

That helps me out in my daily decision making process believe it or not.

Of course I think of one other thing… the occasional story we hear of the athlete or just the plain clean living guy who keels over of a heart attack one day. He was a vegetarian, ran x amount of miles a week- never smoked a day in his life and said No to drugs – god bless’em!

Give him back his last day of life and I bet that fucker would fuck a high priced hooker without a condom while eating a steak and doing lines of coke off her back and wash it all down with a beer and shot of Yeager between puffs off his Malboro 100’s.

Point is, this is life mother fuckers. Live it.

Of course, don’t over do it to a point you’re not enjoying yourself anymore- because then you’re just a dick. But please, Vegans for example- lighten the fuck up. Yes, we are human and we CAN be above it- but really? Why should we?

Our very existence on this planet- the way we are- our society- so called humanity- by nature extinguishes life around us.

Who was better than us? The Eskimos? Fuckers killed whales and seals to live- had their numbers increased- do you thiknk they’d have an Eskimo Greenpeace? No. The Polar Bears would have been next.

Who else? The American Indians? They already smoked Tobacco and the wacky tabaccy when Europeans got here to fuck them up. Thay had and still have Peyote, and well, they would have invented Cocaine and Alcoholic beverages eventually with their sense of experimantation- so really? We’d still have a polluted and used up world one way or another. There is no pure human race. At it’s best- humanity can only be delayed in destroying the Earth. There is no stopping it. If there is- prove me the fuck wrong.

I told a Greenpeace guy the other day- in response to his jovial opener “hey! you look like an environemtally concious kind of guy!” – I said “really? that’s funny cause’ I’m a nihalist” as I tipped my Starbucks at him and lit a cigarette after he made a snide comment about “good luck with that”- for which I thanked him of course. No need to be rude to the panzy.

I just thought to myself- if the fit WAS to hit the shan- I’d like to find him and ask him to go save a whale instead of thnking about his own survival.

Me? I’ll eat Him for dinner when the zombie’s rise. Shit, there are some days in recent history that this fucker better stay away from the barbeque sauce if I’m broke three days to payday- he’s out saving a whale? The fucking audacity of this asshole when there are people starving on the streets!

And why the fuck is he on my New York City sidewalk when he should be swimming around int he gulf saving a fucking pelican that didnt know any better and would have died if dumb bleeding heart humans didnt take it upon themselves to save the fucking pelican’s life anyway!

I mean seriously?!?! If the Pelican, with its huge underbeak, were known for lets say… stealing babies by swooping down and grabbing them up in their beak sack and hauling them away to be slowly picked at and eaten alive for weeks.. do you think we’d be saving them from the gulf disaster?

Nope. I’m sure humans would be like – good, die baby killer.

Well I bet the Pelican kills enough fish babies- why dotn you care abotu that and let the buird just die. It’s nature! Leave it alone!

If the Pelican survives now, in numbers greater than nature dictated, and in their population they develop a strain of bacteria that would have otherwise been culled by nature- a bacteria that attacks the human immune system- and one we can’t find a cure for because we need one now that we’ve weakened our own natural immune systems with anti-biotics for sure- then who do we blame for that perversion of nature?

I’m not cleaning no pelicans that’s for sure. I respect every creature’s right to commit stupi-cide. If that creature is too stupid to stay away from some stink ass oil- maybe it deserves to die?

Maybe its the rotting corpses of all the dead sea life that would have kept the oil from reaching shore!? Maybe it’s the Pelicans and Turtles and whatever else is out there that died in the Gulf that were trying to save Us?!?! Ever think about that?

How about if those were the stupid Pelicans- and by saving them we prevented the survival of the fittest for that species and have subsequently delayed the progress of that species to reaching higher intelligence by forcing the stupid gene back into circulation when nature was trying to eliminate it so one day Pelicans can rule the world?

What if?

Remember those comics? Those were the shit.

But again- I kid thee, but seriously, what if… and I double-digress…

I gave in to a cute store bought redhead goth chick the other day and adopted a kid from her… a moment of weakness… I liked her tattoos… oh shush my girlfriend hadn’t told me she loved me yet so it’s ok… but I specifically told her “a kid from Peru”…

My mom is from Peru and there is a lot of poverty there- so though I may not always have a buck in my pocket, but I have fat on my ass that can carry me to the next meal- they don’t have that gluttonous American privilege.

Guess what? I get the thing in the mail- they gave me a kid in Colombia… I look at the receipt- Peru isnt even on that list… Fuckers jipped me and pawned off a Colombian kid… Dude I live in Woodside, I helped a Colombian kid when I went one neighborhood over to Jackson Heights and ate at Natives (on 82nd and Northern Blvd btw, Queens- excellent food!) with my girlfriend last weekend and feasted. I don’t need to adopt no Colombian kid??? They have cartels and militants and kidnappers that can do that shit over there- they don’t need Me!?!?

So you see? Cave Man could have saved me $22 right there had I listened to him. But I didn’t. Flirty goth punk chick with the nice boobies, damn.

In the end- Cavey saves my life because he makes my life richer and fuller and worth living. If I don’t listen to Cave Man and take his advice about making the most of this life while I have it- and not worrying so much about the contents of a meal or the ultimate consequences of that recreational drug, lol, and when he waxes all buddha-poetic-surfer about accepting life and its choices for you- as well as the choices you have to make- then I know I’ll end up where as he calls it- under the mammoth’s ass after breakfast.

What he means is- I’ll end up with regrets.

Pass the tostones and the chicharon, I know they’re deep fried, but theyre fucking good.

And that’s what I wanna say when I take my last breath.

That shit was fuckin gooood.

Not- I wish I had… irrk.

Thanks Cave Man!

My IDGAF hero.

(Side note; Girlfriend trumps Cave Man because she loves me- for her I GAF)