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Well Thank You Dumb Ass

September 8, 2010 2 comments

Months I’ve been waiting for the day to come where the controversy over the Mosque being built near the site of the former World Trade Center dies down (I’m not referring to it as Ground Zero- this isn’t a movie, this is real life and that sounds overly dramatic and downright stupid). But of course, when the day comes it’s not because people actually took a breath of sufficiently oxygenated air (no, I didn’t REALLY expect the general public to all of a sudden become mature and intelligent or respectful of others, turn the other cheek, live and let live or love each other as Jesus told them to, overnight or even over a millenia) and exhaled their demons like the release of smoke from the last cigarette you’ll ever have- promising you a better, healthier life, no… It’s because – some idiot is doing something just as ignorant and stupid as all those calling New York objecting to the Mosque to begin with.

This Jerk…

In his blissful ignorance, thinks that burning a bunch of Quran’s on September 11th is somehow a right thing, or a good thing to do.

Well sir, you are a Dick.

Officially, and on a grande scale- you are very much so, confirmed – a DICK.

Military officials have come forward saying that the action this fool is taking will endanger the lives of military personnel over seas. Still this fool does not retract his intent.

Why would he? This is his 15 minutes of fame. He’s not giving that up for anything or anyone. For many an ignoramus around the country, religious freaks, right-wing hate mongers, hell, even neo-nazis I’m sure- he has become a hero. he likes being a hero. he likes the spotlight. What religious leader doesn’t like the spotlight? I mean, let me rephrase that… What religious leader who passes around a collection plate- doesn’t like the spotlight?

Now, the military thing is a good point. But let’s look at a couple other things that I think the media, in its infinite wisdom to capitalize on riling up the Stupids of the nation- have missed- further proving that theyre not qualified to run news broadcasts…

1. It didn’t take this guy lighting a match to a book for him to boost recruitment for all fanatical muslim factions around the world- all it took was him announcing it. If they are already burning his image, along with our flag, half way around the world- I guarantee you that there are some poorly educated, hungry, very young men watching all of this and since they are young, hungry and poorly educated, they will be easy marks for the terrorists to recruit. A little food, a reason, a little anger, (both thanks to Mr. Dick up there), and now you have a jihadist that will be molded into a tool of destruction taking down both those of his or her own faith as well as those he is bent against.

So Thank You Mr. Idiot, for helping the radicals who want to harm us, to get more people on their side. YOU helped the terrorists- you mother f*cking dick.

2. If what this guy is proposing is putting U.S. lives in danger abroad- shouldnt it be considered an act of terrorism itself? Shouldnt it be considered a threat against national security? What if because of this people are not only killed but also kidnapped? Tortured? Held for ransom? I’m sure there is a lawyer out there somewhere who can make this case in this day and age (post Bush/Guantanamo Bay), and can set the standard by making an example of this fool. A nice hard time sentence of I dunno… let’s say 5+ years? That should let anyone who thinks of burning a book considered by any faith to be holy, in a public forum, that they’re gonna be screaming the name of their own god when the lights go out in their cell every night for 5+ years if they actually do it.

3. In a sort fo 1&2 combo- why isnt the government stepping in to seize this opportunity for peace? What I’m saying is, this is an opportunity for the United States Government to step in and prosecute this dick- and show the world that religious intolerance of any kind- is what will not be tolerated.

Akin to the point I’ve made about the Bush administration’s vengeful reaction to the acts of terrorism on 9.11.2001, where I asked what if we had turned the other cheek, sought out those responsible without invading anyone’s country or going to war on a large-scale (but of course I know-I know, the B.A. had other intentions and seized the moment- If* they didn’t manufacture the opportunity they needed all together)… But if we had turned the other cheek so to speak- the reaction of the world would have been the opposite of that which was recorded by history- anti-American sentiments all over the globe.

Put it this way… I’m a big guy, above average, and I can be pretty intimidating, never intentionally, my curse. Now, if someone came up to me and assaulted me out of no where on the street, and I took the hit, bloody lip, whatever- standers by would of course be shocked- omg all over the place, maybe someone would come up to me and grab my arm to help me up off one knee- right?

What if when I took the hit, I got up and pulled out a gun and shot the guy who punched me in the face- BAM!

Dead.

Now who’s the bad guy?

In the first instance, I have public sympathy, even help.

In the second- I have alienated everyone around me, scared the bejesus out of them, and now I am the public enemy. A killer, when for a split second I was the victim.

What I’m saying is, as I’ve said before- if 9.11 wasn’t about needing a reason to invade countries, then why didn’t we simply stay the victim and garner the worlds sympathy, and help?

This country could have done something so much stronger in respect to eliminating terrorism- and likely uniting the world against all radicalism had we just turned the other cheek. We could have more effectively sought out our enemies in a clandestine manner- as has been done so many other times. Instead, the immense posturing move of going to war only made the problem worse, enriched the terrorists cause and boosted their recruitment as well as swelled their number.

In this case why doesn’t the government step in and say No. No, the United States stands for freedom, but not the freedom to proliferate hate.

If they would do this- not only the muslim world would have more confidence in this institution, but maybe even 1 out of every 4 radicals will say to themselves “hold on before I put on that bomb vest there Mohammed, I know you worked real hard on it and all that, but if the U.S. is such an infidel and stuff… how is it they came down so hard on that guy who wanted to burn our holy book?” and when the radical then excuses himself to go to the restroom, he just doesn’t come back.

Instead he either goes back to his family, gets married, has kids and teaches them to be peaceful and loving by telling them this story, or he leaves and goes to the nearest U.S. Embassy and trades what he knows about his terrorist cell for citizenship.

A win-win scenario if you ask me- but one that is not possible if the government stands by and does nothing. One in four… I’m guesstimating, but I think it’s off the top accurate. If it is, that’s a worldwide 25% drop in their ranks. Sh*t just got easier.

For those who think it would be an infringement on freedoms of religion or speech- you are wrong. Because we were all taught that we have those freedoms- but it never gives us a right to go in a crowded theatre and yell FIRE! Remember?

What the Dick is doing by burning another culture’s holy book is just that- proliferating hate and causing a danger to the general public and/ or military personnel. This action, and even the threat of it is inciting anti-American sentiment and should be handled swiftly by law enforcement.

And that’s my Occasional Opinion.

Thanks Dick, for drawing attention away from the New York Cultural Center, but no thanks for being an all American asshole.

Burn yourself in effigy, makes a better statement and does us all a favor at the same time.

Comment on; Where do you put a Mosque?

August 17, 2010 1 comment

Link to original blog

Answer: You put a Mosque, and for that matter a Church, a Synagogue, a Temple, a friggin Tree people want to pray to on Arbor Day… Anywhere the laws of the land will allow. This is the United States of America and Freedom, as much as humanly possible, is what we stand for.

I’ll continue this rant on my own blog…

I happen to work for The City of New York in a capacity that affords me the unfortunate privilege to have the opinions of New Yorkers and now with this Mosque debate- any jerk off who has an opinion outside of our city- thrown at me. I have to hear all of it. In the last months, there has been a grand total of three… that’s THREE supportive opinions I have heard regarding this matter- the rest are from people who for all my ability to try and extend my understanding- simply put- need something to hate.

I have had enough time to think of all this. I have heard enough. I have spoken to parents of soldiers both alive and dead. I have spoken to parents and friends of those who died and those who worked at the 9-11 site. For them I feel remorse, of course, but no amount of loss is an excuse for uninformed irrationality- to put it nicely.

I have spoken to the crack pots who dont have anything else better to do but stick their noses in anything the media tells them they should care about. I have spoken to all of these people from all around the country.

Few of them can contain their rage to express themselves in a rational way. Most want to yell at whomever they get on the phone. One bordered on threatening terrorism himself. Most, have southern accents. Most, make the ignorant assumption that the Mayor of New York has the power of a King and that by his decree he has “allowed” this to occur. Those in particular I regard as Idiots.

But again, most just want to hate. The same emotion that fueled those who supposedly flew planes into the towers that morning.

I work here in the area. I was going to school at the foot of the WTC. I was, if not for my genuine disdain for Math Class, supposed to be there that morning. I worked at a school shortly there after- again, at the foot of the WTC, where an entire dorm room floor wall was covered with the names of those students and family of students and faculty that were lost that day.

I come to work every day- tolerant of the tourists holding their maps, looking for “the hole”.

It’s a tourist attraction to people. This, is nauseating to me. There isnt a god damned day I dont feel a sadness inside for what happened here. I see it- every- fucking- day.

So when I hear everybody and their mother think they have a qualified opinion on what goes on here in New York in relevance to the World Trade Center- you can imagine what I feel.

Yet, I tolerate you.

You, who would be no better than Jim Crowe or Hitler and take people’s rights away simply because you have the need… the NEED to hate.

I have to leave this job. I have seen too much of what the general public is like, and honestly, it’s killed my faith in mankind, and even American Ideals.

This country is filled with corruption and bigotry. People, who even if we do have the worst ecducational system in the world, should know better, should recognize that NONE OF US COME FROM THIS LAND! They don’t have the basic kindness and common sense to ever allow me to think this world will be a better place.

Honestly, I’m ok with not having kids now that I’ve worked here, and heard all of you people and your “opinions”.

No one, not one organization in the world, has stepped up to say, when they do build the Mosque, we will come to help. We will lay brick and mortar with you in the name of Peace and for the end of violence and aggression between the faiths of this world.

That, is truly sad.

I’m reading America’s Hidden History by Kenneth C. Davis right now, and in the first few pages alone, I’ve learned the fact that most of history’s conflict, has alwys been about religion. World wide.

I am of no faith, but support any theology that gives people comfort- and no theology that looks to convert or to keep people from their own choice.

I thought once the Bush administration left office, I could be proud to be an American again… but I see that isn’t going to happen. There are just too many hateful bigoted stupid ignorant people in this country and I can’t defend you anymore.

Thanks, all of you.

Thanks for ruining what could have been a wonderful country.

And in a way, maybe thats how we should deal with you. Let you have the country and let you run it into the ground with your hate. When you get yourselves destroyed, we, the peaceful intelligent and tolerant people can come back and be better off.

Snapshot of a New Yorker, if not an American in general

I work in a government office with a publicly published phone number. This as you can imagine, has it’s drawbacks. Aside from the pun that the drawback may be every single member of the general public who calls, and how satisfying it is to rerer to them all as Drawbacks because the name seems to fit so well, so often, here I offer you a tiny little snapshot of the general mentality of a citizen of this country.

Since this is a published phone number, with the right research, anyone can call. The title of the office indicates contact to a high office in government, but c’mon, really? You don’t know better than to think you’re really going to dial a number you found somewhere on the internet or in a book somewhere and THAT person is going to answer the phone do you?

Well, it’s a rhetorical question- because I’m here writing THIS aren’t I?

Now, lets go down the list, in no particular order of course, of the levels of stupidity it takes to use this number before we go on to your snapshot. There are some reasons people may have to use this number which are “no fault” as I’ll refer to them and indicate as such. Now, I’m giving the benefit of the doubt as I write this, and I might actually be suprised myself to find that the label may only apply to one or two reasons. But lets see…

~ You live in a small municipality or a “town” or “township” where the title of this office indicates to you that you can recieve certain services from it. This is a “no fault” reason. You’re a hick of sorts and that’s cute. We forgive you here in the big city and we’ll show you some kindness as we smirk at your naivete and pass you along to where you should be calling. Maybe even with a little politeness and explanation that will educate you on the ways outside your quaint American Norman Rockwell bubble.

~ You ACTUALLY DO see the title of the office and say “let me speak to the xxxxx” when we pick up the phone. You, are an idiot, and you make us wish there was a Hitler button on the phone we could press for a final solution to you. Or at least a pre-final one, like a sterilization button to prevent you from passing on the stupid gene.

Well that list was alot shorter than I thought it would be. I guess there are only two types of stupids that use the number after all. Forgive me for getting your hopes up, I do have to engage in a certain amount of self imposed denial to be able to get to work each day and deal with these undiagnosed retards you must understand.

Everyone else who uses the number has a reference by which they can state who it is they wish to speak to and we connect the call accordingly. This includes the elected official who holds the office by which this office is named. He, and these, are intelligent if not methodical and logical people. The minority of the population. Usually this exchange takes no more than a few seconds, at most. So you can understand when a retard gets a hold of the number, how frustrating it is to have to listen to their rusty wheels turning for ten times that amount of time just to BEGIN the phone call after the greeting.

As if, the availability of this number to the general public wasn’t bad enough, there is no exclusivity to stupidity of course, and so the organizers of morons, such as Unions, sometimes use their own lack of intelligence, thoughtfulness, thoroughness or implement their abundant laziness and apply this number to some cause they would like to enlist their army of members to petition this office for.

Now, this would be, and likely is thought to be, by those supposed leaders of men, a radical and impressive idea- right? Except for the fact that this city spends hundreds of thousands of dollars on advertising the three digit number for EXACTLY that type of action, and some dumbkoff in those Union offices completely disregarded the likely dozens of public references they pass each day to the number they SHOULD be enlisting their members to be calling, and likely every reference to the number they come across in their dealings WITH the city their union probably does business with each and every day- and made the executive dumbkoff decision to apply this number instead when he or she signed off on the campaign.

Let me be clear… Some asshole in a Union Office, overlooked something so simple and wasted not only the money and time of his union and union members by using THIS number- he or she also cost the entire city time and money because now we here in this office have to redirect and educate those misdircted callers to the appropriate number in order for them to accomplish their goal.

This is how you have come across your snapshot today, and here it is…

Good Morning, the office of the xxxxx.

“I just got a call that said I should-”

– Who called you sir?

“uhm, well, I… ”

-You don’t know who called you?

“it just said to press the number 1 and…”

-So sir, you don’t know who it was that called you and you are following instructions from the call?

-Are you a member of a union perhaps?

“no, I’m retired”

-I see, well in any case sir you may have once been a member of a union, we are recieving many calls from union members this week directed to us via an automated message such as the one you describe, the number you should call to express your opinion on the matter in question is xxx.

“oh… well… how about we just nevermind then?”

-how about that then, that’s fine, you have a good day.

“click”

And there you have it. I have many-many… many-many… many… many other examples. I and others here acquire them each day. If we got paid on commission to morons, we’d be rich and not underpaid public servants.

Mind you, these are just the Morons I’m addressing here and now. I’m not addressing the thick headed people who simply refuse to allow effective communication to penetrate their skulls unless you repeat the same phrase or answer to their question over, and over, and over. At which point do you rarely hear a thank you- but rather an insult for not giving them the answer they imagined in their dimly lit minds before they even dialed the number.

This is the lot that gave us eight years of purgutory in the White House. Those who are now very busy pointing the finger at another lot who have given us nothing better. This is America.

Let me not forget to mention that on a popular show I watch I heard the reference to Americans being lazy brainless zombies or something to that effect, and I realized the guilt I sometimes feel for the harshness of my opinions, the self depricating criticism I privately subjugate myself to as I brush off that voice in the back of my head made up of all the ex girlfriends I’ve ever had and my mother before them- that says Danny, chill out, maybe it’s you and not them… is wrong, and other people see what I see. And they likely feel what I feel… Shame. Shame for being one of you dumb asses if only in a patriotic sense. Knowing that if one day the country is held accountable for its moronic behavior, that by association, I’d have to take a bullet too.

(note- you know that if your members are SO lazy and inept that you cannot simply mail them a brochure and request they dial a phone number to express an opinion you are requesting them to consider- and you have to set up a dumb-button, for lack of a better term- how likely is it that if you get that number wrong- they will actually bother to pick up the phone again and dial the number they are re-directed to?)

Change is good they say?

Well let’s see how this change in theme works out. I liked Hemmingway. It was dark and serious like me. But this one caught my eye today. Lets see what happens.

Why?

June 23, 2010 Comments off

Why is it in a person’s custom to introduce themselves to an anonymous someone answering a phone in an office somewhere?

If you’re calling an individual in some rergard- it’s understandable, necessary and polite… but if you’re calling a public office or a business, such as a customer service center and you’re not required to identify your account- then why are you stating your name?

Who cares who the fuck you are?

**

Why when you give someone exactly what they are looking for- because you know what they need, since it’s your job to recognize their needs as soon as they state them clearly- do those people question your determination- if they came to you for the answer they couldn’t figure out for themselves in the first place?

**

Why are most people opposed to clear communication? Why must they find the path most complicated towards reaching their goal- when communicating?

**

Why can’t most people just recognize, and answer, a Yes or No question when asked?

Why must they respond with a story? An elaboration on details that if they were of any consequence – you would’nt have had to interrupt them with a Yes or No question.

**

Why can’t people learn to simply ask for what they want in a direct way? Why must people approach the attaining of information by telling you a story? Is this some ghetto form of communication I simply do not comprehend?

Why must I interrupt a “story” and ask- “What are you looking for?” – “What can I help you with?” – “Who do you want to speak to!?”??

**

These questions plague my mind every single god damned day, before and after I pick up the phone at work, several, and I mean several times- throughout the day.

People are generally stupid it seems. They clog their lives with unecessary irrelevant habits and customs preventing them from acheiving their goals, by preventing them from their own clarity of thought.

This, is the first and foremost reason I sincerely believe mankind is doomed to eventual extinction.

Most, are stupid in these ways and are followers who need to be led, but leaders are corrupt. Greed for money and power ruin any possibility of the evolutionary advancement of the human race.

There is no talking sense to most people. Instead of trying to get to a higher point- a point of progression- a mutual advanced understanding- all most people want to do is make it an arguement, and win that arguement- so they feel like they accomplished something- even if in accomplishing it- they held up their own advancement- and especially if they held up yours.

Misery, loves company they say. And the human race, however benevolent or gracious they may think they are- are miserable.

I’m for the closing of this chapter in the history of existence. This human thing is a failure.

I bet they don’t approve my comment…

The Blog is called Say it Ain’t So Already where you can go and see the post for the day- 6/21/2010. This is my comment to the post- and I just bet they won’t allow it on the site.

“Sh8t happens. You should have thought about what kind of pelicans you wanted your kids to know before the oil spill and done what you could to make sure regulation of the oil companies was in order. But of course- like most Americans, we don’t give a flying pelicans ass until the fit hits the shan- BECAUSE we didn’t care to pay attention before. So quit your crying and pseudo martydom for your kids- you’ve done a great job at showing them the effects of complacency and non-involvement along with the effects there-from.

You should now be teaching them what fun a greasy pelican can be. God’s pelicans- you kill me! Ha! – HA! God’s Pelican IS the one with tthe oil on it! Or are you not a creature under your own god’s brow? God made you and everyone else complacent- made the oil companies advantageous of that complacency- and now an oily pelican! God WANTED to oils up mother nature and hey- we can all guess what happens after god oils her up! That’s betwen them- if they like involving pelicans in their activities- we should all just respect god’s little fetishes.

Hilarious Post- thanks for the laugh!”

Correction; not “your kids” but your “2 year old friend”… Don’t get me started.

How a caveman saves my life each day…

This is an old one I think about in unrelated ways so many times each day the challenge in writing about it now is peeling it off the insides of my mind without tearing it to shreds like that as-is sale price sticker that’s razor cut in all directions (and you can’t imagine why they do this to the sticker?) on the trendy chairs you bought from Ikea for your kitchen that you would have never paid full price for since really theyre just a little wood and cheap metal screwed together- but youre truly grateful for the opprotunity since without them the favorite picture of your girlfriend laughing in a little black dress where she looks amazing and so happy would have never been possible.

Can you say run-on-sentence?

But yes, I digress, and not only to impress…

So every day we hear about this or that which effects our lives in a negative way- remember the Acid Rain craze back in the day? Did I just date myself? If so- fuck it, maybe you’re too young to get in this club. Most recently- Salt is the enemy- right? I just read how Semen has cholesterol in it- what will this do to my sex life? Now you’re wondering if I’m gay- aren’t you?

But seriously folks, how many other things are we always hearing from the media? I remember being told to drink alot of water if I wanted to lose weight. Then years later- hearing how drinking too much water can literally kill you!

Too much coffee is bad for you- but yet, now the body supposedly gets water from wherever it needs it- liquid or solid that’s ingested- right? Having lived on coffee for days on end myself- I can attest to this fact. Too much coffee will not kill you. It will only make your pee smell fresh brewed.

And ladies, Semen is 99% water- only 1% Sperm, so as long as your man is eating a lot of fruit for taste- come on down and wet-yer-whistle!

I’m waiting for the new studies that are bound to come out on Sugar- no one is using Sugar, Sucre, Azucar anymore are they? It’s SO bad for us! I just came from Starbucks now and I couldn’t subsidize my guilty pleasure visit by stealing a little Splenda because everyone else seems to prefer it over the pink and blue brands (or they’re stealing it before I can)- which I won’t mention by name because I am making a mental note to buy Splenda stock man, wtf, can’t support or advertise the competition after all.

I’m waiting- and I can bet we’ll get both an alert about sweeteners and the health risks associated to them- again- and the benefits of natural sugar in our diets- like with drinking. Moderation – moderation – moderation. A little bit of anything- isn’t a bad thing.

Except Dick- right ladies? Is it just me or god dammit don’t ladies just want more and more dick? If I have to hear ready for round four one more time – I’m tellin’ ya I’m just gonna lop it off. You hold your breath till I do. But seriously, if dick were salty, there’d be some high choleterol havin’ bitches out there. And ladies, if you’re thinking- but wait- dick IS salty- then you need to tell your man to take a bath.

And don’t get me wrong- I’m not gonna go gay because of too much pussy- no way. But I may take a break for a minute and play my xbox. I’m just saying- give a guy a break- act like I can’t get it so I wanna chase it, and then you ‘ll get all you want.

Moderation when it comes to Dick too. Moderation Media! Tell the ladies!

But that’s what they do- the media- telling us the obvious- because we’re too stupid to figure it out for ourselves.

Like with Soda-pop? Yeah I said pop. I like the way it sounds.

Soda is baaaaad for you said the nanny goat. Tax dat shit!

Well I can’t remember any more of these examples but you get the gist of it- and my whole thing is- fuck it.

Did I suprise you? Not if you’ve read my blog before I didn’t.

A fucking Cave Man saves my life every god damned day. Because if I want some Sugar, I’ll have it. If I want a Cigarette- I’ll have it. If I want one more drink- I’ll have it. If I want a bag of Doritos that are packed with preservatives and Salt, a Steak, another cup of Coffee, or anything someone else may say “hey- that’s not so good for you- you better watch it” I say fuck it, deep fry me another!

Why? Because I think of the Cave Man… No one was around looking into shit and broadcasting to Bedrock how this that and the other thing is bad for you today- and OK for you tomnorrow as long as you don’t do too much.

The Cave Man did what the fuck he wanted, when he wanted, as he needed and as he pleased. He lived loud and proud and didn’t have to be gay to say so. He wasn’t “trying” to live any longer than what was coming to him. He was content living Today- and if he saw some cute cave woman ass he wanted to take a bite out of- he didn’t think to himself “hmm, that ass may be high in cholesterol”. Nope, he just bonked her over the head and bit that ass. Yum!

Maybe a little salty considering the times, what with no soap and all.

Find me the gliph where the Cave Man was bitchin about the price of… Anything! You know the saying. But you dont see any cave paintings depicting toomuch fat on the mamoth meat so eat the shrubs instead do ya? No. Cave Man didn’t give a shit.

That helps me out in my daily decision making process believe it or not.

Of course I think of one other thing… the occasional story we hear of the athlete or just the plain clean living guy who keels over of a heart attack one day. He was a vegetarian, ran x amount of miles a week- never smoked a day in his life and said No to drugs – god bless’em!

Give him back his last day of life and I bet that fucker would fuck a high priced hooker without a condom while eating a steak and doing lines of coke off her back and wash it all down with a beer and shot of Yeager between puffs off his Malboro 100’s.

Point is, this is life mother fuckers. Live it.

Of course, don’t over do it to a point you’re not enjoying yourself anymore- because then you’re just a dick. But please, Vegans for example- lighten the fuck up. Yes, we are human and we CAN be above it- but really? Why should we?

Our very existence on this planet- the way we are- our society- so called humanity- by nature extinguishes life around us.

Who was better than us? The Eskimos? Fuckers killed whales and seals to live- had their numbers increased- do you thiknk they’d have an Eskimo Greenpeace? No. The Polar Bears would have been next.

Who else? The American Indians? They already smoked Tobacco and the wacky tabaccy when Europeans got here to fuck them up. Thay had and still have Peyote, and well, they would have invented Cocaine and Alcoholic beverages eventually with their sense of experimantation- so really? We’d still have a polluted and used up world one way or another. There is no pure human race. At it’s best- humanity can only be delayed in destroying the Earth. There is no stopping it. If there is- prove me the fuck wrong.

I told a Greenpeace guy the other day- in response to his jovial opener “hey! you look like an environemtally concious kind of guy!” – I said “really? that’s funny cause’ I’m a nihalist” as I tipped my Starbucks at him and lit a cigarette after he made a snide comment about “good luck with that”- for which I thanked him of course. No need to be rude to the panzy.

I just thought to myself- if the fit WAS to hit the shan- I’d like to find him and ask him to go save a whale instead of thnking about his own survival.

Me? I’ll eat Him for dinner when the zombie’s rise. Shit, there are some days in recent history that this fucker better stay away from the barbeque sauce if I’m broke three days to payday- he’s out saving a whale? The fucking audacity of this asshole when there are people starving on the streets!

And why the fuck is he on my New York City sidewalk when he should be swimming around int he gulf saving a fucking pelican that didnt know any better and would have died if dumb bleeding heart humans didnt take it upon themselves to save the fucking pelican’s life anyway!

I mean seriously?!?! If the Pelican, with its huge underbeak, were known for lets say… stealing babies by swooping down and grabbing them up in their beak sack and hauling them away to be slowly picked at and eaten alive for weeks.. do you think we’d be saving them from the gulf disaster?

Nope. I’m sure humans would be like – good, die baby killer.

Well I bet the Pelican kills enough fish babies- why dotn you care abotu that and let the buird just die. It’s nature! Leave it alone!

If the Pelican survives now, in numbers greater than nature dictated, and in their population they develop a strain of bacteria that would have otherwise been culled by nature- a bacteria that attacks the human immune system- and one we can’t find a cure for because we need one now that we’ve weakened our own natural immune systems with anti-biotics for sure- then who do we blame for that perversion of nature?

I’m not cleaning no pelicans that’s for sure. I respect every creature’s right to commit stupi-cide. If that creature is too stupid to stay away from some stink ass oil- maybe it deserves to die?

Maybe its the rotting corpses of all the dead sea life that would have kept the oil from reaching shore!? Maybe it’s the Pelicans and Turtles and whatever else is out there that died in the Gulf that were trying to save Us?!?! Ever think about that?

How about if those were the stupid Pelicans- and by saving them we prevented the survival of the fittest for that species and have subsequently delayed the progress of that species to reaching higher intelligence by forcing the stupid gene back into circulation when nature was trying to eliminate it so one day Pelicans can rule the world?

What if?

Remember those comics? Those were the shit.

But again- I kid thee, but seriously, what if… and I double-digress…

I gave in to a cute store bought redhead goth chick the other day and adopted a kid from her… a moment of weakness… I liked her tattoos… oh shush my girlfriend hadn’t told me she loved me yet so it’s ok… but I specifically told her “a kid from Peru”…

My mom is from Peru and there is a lot of poverty there- so though I may not always have a buck in my pocket, but I have fat on my ass that can carry me to the next meal- they don’t have that gluttonous American privilege.

Guess what? I get the thing in the mail- they gave me a kid in Colombia… I look at the receipt- Peru isnt even on that list… Fuckers jipped me and pawned off a Colombian kid… Dude I live in Woodside, I helped a Colombian kid when I went one neighborhood over to Jackson Heights and ate at Natives (on 82nd and Northern Blvd btw, Queens- excellent food!) with my girlfriend last weekend and feasted. I don’t need to adopt no Colombian kid??? They have cartels and militants and kidnappers that can do that shit over there- they don’t need Me!?!?

So you see? Cave Man could have saved me $22 right there had I listened to him. But I didn’t. Flirty goth punk chick with the nice boobies, damn.

In the end- Cavey saves my life because he makes my life richer and fuller and worth living. If I don’t listen to Cave Man and take his advice about making the most of this life while I have it- and not worrying so much about the contents of a meal or the ultimate consequences of that recreational drug, lol, and when he waxes all buddha-poetic-surfer about accepting life and its choices for you- as well as the choices you have to make- then I know I’ll end up where as he calls it- under the mammoth’s ass after breakfast.

What he means is- I’ll end up with regrets.

Pass the tostones and the chicharon, I know they’re deep fried, but theyre fucking good.

And that’s what I wanna say when I take my last breath.

That shit was fuckin gooood.

Not- I wish I had… irrk.

Thanks Cave Man!

My IDGAF hero.

(Side note; Girlfriend trumps Cave Man because she loves me- for her I GAF)