Home > communication, New York, People, Relationships, women > Internet Dating; A guide.

Internet Dating; A guide.

I know- left field right? This is an old draft I never finished, and needing a break from what I was working on- but too neurotic to do nothing at all and end up feeling like a loser who wastes time- I take a working break from work and finish up an old blog entry. In any case- not dating so much any more, at least not traditionally- eesh, never traditionally anymore (and succeeding with women more than ever as a result)- I figure why not drop this gem on ya.  when I still subscribed to the social norms of dating though, Internet Dating came in so handy in filtering out the psychos that I shudder to think what my life would be like if I hadn’t made use of it as much as I did. In fact- the most unsuccessful relationships (disasters) I’ve had- were of the real-time kind. And the clean breaks, even friendships in closing, were all of online origins. Suffice to say I have more faith in using the internet to find someone of substance to create a relationship with than I do in real-time.

The reasons I have more faith in this format than real time is a subject there may be hints to in this post- but is better suited for a follow up- for now, enjoy whatcha got.

Online Dating; A Guide

1. Check Yourself.

What are you doing? Do you know what you’re doing? Are you just following your nose around or do you have a specific course of action you intend to follow? You would be surprised how many men and women still think the internet is some kind of quaint joke and treat it as such- not realizing that it’s a real life portal into their lives and its best you mind that portal before you end up like Alice in Wonderland- falling through the rabbit hole and no way to get home.

So make up your mind as to what it is you want from this thing, and you’ll soon find your next steps much more calculated, and the responses you get will make much more sense to you- meaning you will know who is who- and what to do about each one.

There is nothing better than representing your own voice of reason- and seeing how so much else makes sense because you know who you are first.

So… If you’re dating to get out of the house- say so. If you’re dating to get married- say so. If you’re figuring things out- say so. Don’t play games.

Do you know if you are playing games? Many people think they are being real when in reality- they are full of sh*t. Sometimes by no fault of your own you won’t know that you’re full of it until later on when you outgrow it- it happens to us all. But you can try and be honest with yourself so as to save yourself the time ad trouble that comes from attracting the people who you THOUGHT you would be into- and they- expecting a person who was supposed to be for them- where everyone ends up upset.

2. Pictures.

Never post none, or one. Minimum, if specific about each, you need Three. One, face, smiling, close but not too close, shoulders in the shot? Ok, acceptable. Two, Full head to toe shot, this can be in casual dress or to the 9’s, but has to alternate from the third. Which Third, is also head to toe, but in the opposite dress style of the second photo. So you have Three, a face/head/ shoulder shot, a head to toe casual and a head to toe dressy shot.

What not to post…

Always remember you are advertising yourself- so if you choose to post pictures of you leaning on a Ferrari and you’re not looking for a sugar daddy or a fellow millionaire, lets hope its from the car show and it’s clear thats where it was taken.

This is not an opportunity to see pretty pictures of yourself online. It’s about getting the results you want, and you have to advertise appropriately.

Your pictures represent your current or your intended class and income bracket. And if you think it doesn’t show, you’re wrong- it does. A socialite posts pictures taken of her at events, and a wanna-be socialite posts pictures of her wishing she was a socialite, and it shows. If you’re looking for a fellow socialite, please post away. If you’re looking for someone to get you in the door, again, go right ahead. But if you’re not- and you’re a down to earth guy or gal, spare yourself the results you’ll get from a misguided effort.

If you’re in a bar toasting drinks and laughing uncontrollably in all your photos- you can bet that looks good to an alcoholic frat boy or graduate who wants in on the fun. Can you say date rape me? if not- well your pictures sure did.

If all your photos are of you with friends at sporting events, it says that’s what you’re into- you will get men or women who think that they have found someone who they can go tailgating with and who will always have a game to go to- with or without you. Forget about anything but football at home on Sundays.

Same goes for bikinis/ bathing suits. Yes, it can be your head to toe casual shot, and in fact it’s recommended if you want to advertise that you are in bikini/bathing suit shape, but unless you want to be objectified, I suggest only posting one and specifying in your narrative that you require anyone interested be in similar shape. If you do not follow those guidelines and you post two or more scantily clad pictures, and you do not specify that it’s there because you want to show someone that they should be in similar shape and it’s important to you- then you WILL have perverts (more than usual) responding to the advertisement that you are looking for cheap sex.

Don’t shoot the messenger- I’m just giving it to you straight.

Scenery- why? Unless you really do mean the generic overused statement “I like/ love to travel” and even then- why? Unless you are in the shot under the guidelines stated- It communicates that you are stupid. You have no recognition of the forum’s purpose and you have no regard for wasting people’s time. If you are this way in real life- then yes, certainly post a picture of the Eifel Tower, the leaning tower of Pisa and the Grand Canyon, all without anyone in the picture. You will get someone who wants to hear about your trips, not someone who really cares who you are- again, unless you are your trips, and not a real person.

3. Do not pay for it.

It’s a scam. and the more successful the site says they are- they just mean how successful they are at hooking people into becoming serial daters. There are no good intentions in business, other than the intention to make money off of a customer- repeatedly if possible. You KNOW this, so why all of a sudden do you think that a website of all places, has come to the forefront in your search for adoration and love of the human kind? the website and it’s founders do not care about you or your happiness. They care about their happiness. They care about their own comfort- and how much of your money they can get to make that happen. The emlpoyees- they care about paying their bills. And if it means making you the crackhead of dating- then hey- smoke up baby! Don’t pay for it. make your name on the site, your e mail name or make a name up and then go get a free e mail account at an open ISP like Gmail or Yahoo and make it out to the same name. This way when you write your narrative, you can bury a hint in there like “Gee” if you wanted to get in touch with me it’s not that hard” or “It’s not that hard to get in touch with a Yahoo like me” – but likely you’ll have to be more clever than that and space the name up like “y ah oo” to get past the filters they have in place to reject your narrative and have you rewrite it.

Consider this as well;

If you are serious about finding a person for yourself this is very important for you to consider…

Let’s use one of the most popular websites for example- one that literally absorbed some of it’s competition to become the site it is today, I’m talking about Match.com, who absorbed Love@aol, AOL’s personal’s service and another I can’t remember, I think it may have been MSN’s equivalent.

If you join Match.com as a paying member, and you are serious about finding One person- then you are in the worst of situations. why? Because if you actually do find someone you are more than visually interested in, meaning you have some interests in common and you appreciate and understand their method of communication, then you might feel the inclination to break the ice- either by the (also free) option of Winking, or by (paying members only) sending an e mail.

In either case- once you crossed that boundary and are either waiting for a Wink back so you can feel your advance is welcome, or you’re waiting for an email reply- you are confronted with at least three other candidates that their system has deemed close enough to who you were interested in- as soon as you click Send.

of course you might think to yourself, Sure, I’ll just ignore them. And you might. The first time. If your interesting potential mate answers your wink or e mail and you go out and have a great time, soon after engaged and married- then never mind- you are the exception. But if your potential mate for whatever reason- does not respond, or rejects you- you can count on you not ignoring those three potential runners up the next time around- and why will you do this?

BECAUSE YOU ARE A PAYING MEMBER.

As a consumer- when is it you pay for something and don’t make it a point to get your money’s worth? Almost never. So, like I said- maybe, just maybe you can resist and focus on that one person’s response the first time- but not the second, or from that point on. Most people take what’s put in front of them. and when Match.com or any other site offers you three potential extra matches, and three more, and three more, and three more for as long as you reach out  to any single one- you will slowly fall into their trap of becoming a serial dater.

You will adapt to the mentality- rather unwittingly- that there is always something better around the corner. Always another option, or three, just a click away.

So you can even be on a date and as you are getting to know someone, and instead of listening open mindedly and acceptingly, imparting that kindness to another that you would like imparted to you for your flaws and humble indiscretions- you are listening only for the items that will exclude this person from the perfect image you have in your mind of the person you think would deserve your full affection. You’re going off a checklist in your mind cutting this person down at the first thing they reveal that even comes close to resembling something potentially wrong. Why? Because you’ve been clicking on the next three options way too long. You’re brainwashed into thinking that if a person has one flaw- there is no reason to extend them just a little understanding (what a relationship might be about), because there are plenty other fish in the sea.

When in reality- there aren’t.

The older you get- the more people pair up, have children, either stay together or divorce, but all-in-all, have lives they aren’t that ready to repeat with those who dished out the neverending line of rejection.

The people who have relationships are those who extend each other understanding, make exceptions, teach and learn- ultimately growing together. When those tenets are broken, so are the relationships.

Examine any relationship you like- you will find that last statement to be true.

Now, who have you become, if you won’t even get out of the starting gate because a website has taught you to nix a person you found attractive at the first sign of trouble?

Alone.

If you are a non-paying member, and cleverly hide a hint to how one can get in touch with you outside their system, then you are guaranteed two things that no price of membership can guarantee you…

1. The person making contact with you ACTUALLY READ what you had to say. How else did they get to the point where you dropped your hint unless they took the time to read?

2. They are willing to do more to earn your attention than the minimum or to merely PAY for it via a cheap membership to a website.

If you think you have some sort of security in your search results because those reaching you have paid for a membership- think again. If you’re a paying member or ever have been, then you know from experience- there was no mental evaluation or security screening when you joined was there? As long as you have internet access (an internet cafe in Kenya will do) and an e mail address (plenty of free email accounts are available out there), then you can become a paying member of a website as long as you have a bank account or a credit card. Last I heard, child molesters and ex cons can have both, and if they have bad credit a pre-paid credit card is easy enough to get too.

You actually are more secure waiting for the responses from those who took the time to read through your ad- something that a spammer or scammer will never bother to do.

I’ll tell you this- in the time I had my ad up, I never got spam because of it. Spammers, Search engines and Worms that travel through the internet seek out obvious indicators to e mail addresses. This is why if you sell your couch on craigslist and bypass their anonymous e mail by putting your own out there- you get a ton of spam. The @ symbol alone triggers them. Since what you have is a hint buried in text- they don’t look for you or can find you.

The only people reaching you will be those people genuinely interested in you.

Other benefits to this method include not having t0o wade through a ton of emails from people who are just fishing for attention. For “nice” guys it may be women who want to use you for a night out on your dime. For serious minded women, it will be a ton of losers who just want to get laid.

You can put your ad up- and go about your life. The way it should be. if you’re putting so much emphasis on finding a significant other- it’s likely that you aren’t very significant to yourself first. You know what they say- Love shows up when you least expect it- and if you look for it, you’ll never find it. So post your ad- like a flag on a hill, and work on your career, your body, your friendships, your life. Every once in a while you’ll get an e mail from some one who by getting in touch with you has already shown that at least they stand out from the crowd enough to go the extra mile. And that’s something you don’t get from sitting at a bar either waiting for a guy to buy you a drink, or waiting for a girl to say sure- I’ll have a…

Again, if you’re looking to use the internet as an extension of the singles bar- go ahead. There are plenty half wits out there doing the same and its just as easy to fail on the internet- and complain about it not doing the work for you of course- for you to find plenty of dates and the occasional rape. But if you recognize the fact that the internet is an amazing screening tool you can use to cut down on the amount of wasted time, effort and money wasted in the pursuit of love with the wrong people- and you use it as such- uncompromisingly- then you will see that when you do meet someone that passes your individualized set of filters, that the experience you have is much better than the thoughtless one you were putting yourself through before, whether it results in a friendship or love.

Over and Out.

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