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Archive for July, 2010

Snapshot of a New Yorker, if not an American in general

I work in a government office with a publicly published phone number. This as you can imagine, has it’s drawbacks. Aside from the pun that the drawback may be every single member of the general public who calls, and how satisfying it is to rerer to them all as Drawbacks because the name seems to fit so well, so often, here I offer you a tiny little snapshot of the general mentality of a citizen of this country.

Since this is a published phone number, with the right research, anyone can call. The title of the office indicates contact to a high office in government, but c’mon, really? You don’t know better than to think you’re really going to dial a number you found somewhere on the internet or in a book somewhere and THAT person is going to answer the phone do you?

Well, it’s a rhetorical question- because I’m here writing THIS aren’t I?

Now, lets go down the list, in no particular order of course, of the levels of stupidity it takes to use this number before we go on to your snapshot. There are some reasons people may have to use this number which are “no fault” as I’ll refer to them and indicate as such. Now, I’m giving the benefit of the doubt as I write this, and I might actually be suprised myself to find that the label may only apply to one or two reasons. But lets see…

~ You live in a small municipality or a “town” or “township” where the title of this office indicates to you that you can recieve certain services from it. This is a “no fault” reason. You’re a hick of sorts and that’s cute. We forgive you here in the big city and we’ll show you some kindness as we smirk at your naivete and pass you along to where you should be calling. Maybe even with a little politeness and explanation that will educate you on the ways outside your quaint American Norman Rockwell bubble.

~ You ACTUALLY DO see the title of the office and say “let me speak to the xxxxx” when we pick up the phone. You, are an idiot, and you make us wish there was a Hitler button on the phone we could press for a final solution to you. Or at least a pre-final one, like a sterilization button to prevent you from passing on the stupid gene.

Well that list was alot shorter than I thought it would be. I guess there are only two types of stupids that use the number after all. Forgive me for getting your hopes up, I do have to engage in a certain amount of self imposed denial to be able to get to work each day and deal with these undiagnosed retards you must understand.

Everyone else who uses the number has a reference by which they can state who it is they wish to speak to and we connect the call accordingly. This includes the elected official who holds the office by which this office is named. He, and these, are intelligent if not methodical and logical people. The minority of the population. Usually this exchange takes no more than a few seconds, at most. So you can understand when a retard gets a hold of the number, how frustrating it is to have to listen to their rusty wheels turning for ten times that amount of time just to BEGIN the phone call after the greeting.

As if, the availability of this number to the general public wasn’t bad enough, there is no exclusivity to stupidity of course, and so the organizers of morons, such as Unions, sometimes use their own lack of intelligence, thoughtfulness, thoroughness or implement their abundant laziness and apply this number to some cause they would like to enlist their army of members to petition this office for.

Now, this would be, and likely is thought to be, by those supposed leaders of men, a radical and impressive idea- right? Except for the fact that this city spends hundreds of thousands of dollars on advertising the three digit number for EXACTLY that type of action, and some dumbkoff in those Union offices completely disregarded the likely dozens of public references they pass each day to the number they SHOULD be enlisting their members to be calling, and likely every reference to the number they come across in their dealings WITH the city their union probably does business with each and every day- and made the executive dumbkoff decision to apply this number instead when he or she signed off on the campaign.

Let me be clear… Some asshole in a Union Office, overlooked something so simple and wasted not only the money and time of his union and union members by using THIS number- he or she also cost the entire city time and money because now we here in this office have to redirect and educate those misdircted callers to the appropriate number in order for them to accomplish their goal.

This is how you have come across your snapshot today, and here it is…

Good Morning, the office of the xxxxx.

“I just got a call that said I should-”

– Who called you sir?

“uhm, well, I… ”

-You don’t know who called you?

“it just said to press the number 1 and…”

-So sir, you don’t know who it was that called you and you are following instructions from the call?

-Are you a member of a union perhaps?

“no, I’m retired”

-I see, well in any case sir you may have once been a member of a union, we are recieving many calls from union members this week directed to us via an automated message such as the one you describe, the number you should call to express your opinion on the matter in question is xxx.

“oh… well… how about we just nevermind then?”

-how about that then, that’s fine, you have a good day.

“click”

And there you have it. I have many-many… many-many… many… many other examples. I and others here acquire them each day. If we got paid on commission to morons, we’d be rich and not underpaid public servants.

Mind you, these are just the Morons I’m addressing here and now. I’m not addressing the thick headed people who simply refuse to allow effective communication to penetrate their skulls unless you repeat the same phrase or answer to their question over, and over, and over. At which point do you rarely hear a thank you- but rather an insult for not giving them the answer they imagined in their dimly lit minds before they even dialed the number.

This is the lot that gave us eight years of purgutory in the White House. Those who are now very busy pointing the finger at another lot who have given us nothing better. This is America.

Let me not forget to mention that on a popular show I watch I heard the reference to Americans being lazy brainless zombies or something to that effect, and I realized the guilt I sometimes feel for the harshness of my opinions, the self depricating criticism I privately subjugate myself to as I brush off that voice in the back of my head made up of all the ex girlfriends I’ve ever had and my mother before them- that says Danny, chill out, maybe it’s you and not them… is wrong, and other people see what I see. And they likely feel what I feel… Shame. Shame for being one of you dumb asses if only in a patriotic sense. Knowing that if one day the country is held accountable for its moronic behavior, that by association, I’d have to take a bullet too.

(note- you know that if your members are SO lazy and inept that you cannot simply mail them a brochure and request they dial a phone number to express an opinion you are requesting them to consider- and you have to set up a dumb-button, for lack of a better term- how likely is it that if you get that number wrong- they will actually bother to pick up the phone again and dial the number they are re-directed to?)

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Change is good they say?

Well let’s see how this change in theme works out. I liked Hemmingway. It was dark and serious like me. But this one caught my eye today. Lets see what happens.

The Road. Movie, based on book by Cormac McCarthy; Lessons learned.

Lessons Learned…

1. The end is near.

2. Ya better be ready. In every way.

3. Women are quitters. If y’can’t keep them comfortable, they kill themselves.

4. Men are stubborn, and don’t kill themselves when they probably should.

5. If you have an attachment to supposed “good” things, such as benevolence to others, generosity, kindness to others… you’ll have a harder time surviving in a world without laws and government to protect you- than one who is selfish and self serving.

6. The apocalypse (non-religious), will not be pretty in any way, back to lesson #2.

Seriously though, I’m sure, as is always the case, there is a lot more in the book. So hints the Wiki page with the reference to a newborn being roasted on a spit.

My thoughts are if that’s what’s going on in CM’s mind, he should maybe pick up the paint brush and give Geiger and Manson a run for their money.

I watch these kinds of movies and it goes through my mind what I would do… I wouldn’t, if dragging around a young son, be walking up to houses I haven’t thoroughly scouted out- we’re talking watching the house until nightfall. You’re in a rush? Where do you have to be? All appointments have been cancelled due to the apocalypse. You’re hungry? Hmm, gonna be less hungry in a few hours? Less hungrier when you’re watching them hack your kid to bits and offering you a bit of son-bacon? No. You dig in and watch. You do what you do right, because you have no second chances and the cost of failure is too high to even consider.

I wouldn’t, once in those houses, be scurrying about raising a ruckus searching for a tool to open a locked cellar, without searching the entire house for signs of cannibalism, if I am aware this is what people are engaging in. If you see signs, you KNOW what’s down there- and you also know you didn’t wait and watch long enough- and it’s time to go. Now.

I wonder too who these movies are made about? Who are these books written about? I’d like to think I’d be less inept in dire circumstances. Is this the average Joe? Is this the author? Are most people THAT passive? How does he not have more than one gun? I’d have had at LEAST one just having a pregnant wife BEFORE the apocalypse. The kid was five years old or more when the wife decided to take a walk… you DIDN’T have time to acquire yourself some traveling security? There wasn’t a what-if lightbulb flickering in your head somewhere? With that kind of time I’d of had gone out, gotten myself a suitable truck or bus, fortified it, loaded it up with fuel, weapons and supplies, maybe gotten a neighbor or two to join  the team (gotta think about the kid’s chances at procreating too), and been ready for when the time comes we stop sitting around on our asses waiting for the establishment to respond.

You watch this kind of thing, and you think this way, and then you understand why the lady, mother of a child, decides to eat it. This guy is just sitting around waiting saying I love you baby- I mean really? Come on? I love you isnt going to feed or protect the family.

But then again, I do think that for all one can be prepared for the fall of civilization- the irony will be that the environment that affords you that likely honest evaluation is likely the very reason you’ll never even get the chance to prove it.

I live in New York.

If it’s a man made catastrophe that brings about the end of the world as we know it- I’m already dead.

If it’s a natural disaster- this is a coastal city in the north east. What are the chances I’m drowned under a tsunami or something?

All I’m saying is… when it’s on, you get up and you go. Get the shit you’re gonna need to survive, if you don’t already have it.

In respect to suicide and mass hysteria, over confidence in religion and government, these kinds of movies all share a similar opinion I agree with.

In fact, for me at least- it doesn’t take a cataclism for me to say what these movies say about those subjects. Most people are idiots, when the fit hits the shan smart or not you’ll realize it’s really just a personal choice whether you want to stay among the living or not and most- probably won’t have the faith in either themselves, government or their god to stick it out anyway.

Lucky it’s just a movie huh?

Come to think of it when the world shits on itself, I would head right to the nearest Starbucks, seize it, fortify it, and when the dust settles, make a killing on bartering for cinnamon dolce lattes.

HNIC here I come.

The Mosque

As you may or may not know, I hold a position with the City of New York that for obvious reasons I do not disclose here. In this position though, I unfortunately get a uniquely honest perspective on the general public, that the general public isn’t uniquely aware of. Basically what  that means is that I get a look at you from the inside, as opposed to your view from the outside.

I see you, and I do not like what I see.

Now, am I a patient person? In this case I would jump to say no, I am not. But in close self examination, I really am a patient person. It’s just I do not tolerate stupidity. To further delineate, stupidity to me, is ignorance, inconsiderate of others, a disrespect of the personal space of others, and well, right back to fucking ignorance.

The inability of a human being to look at a situation and discern the truth either likely or verifiably behind that situation, is stupidity to me. The inability of a human being, not mentally handicapped, to discern the validity of their opinion in matters they are not directly related to- to me, is abhorrent stupidity.

Let’s use some examples…

~The MTA Preacher, letting everyone know that Jesus is their savior, at the top of their lungs, in their opinion. Stupid. Disrespectful. Ignorant.

~In the same respect, the Mariachis, Solo Guitarists, Saxophone players, Trumpeter, Violinist, Flutist, Break Dancer, Random Singer (any style), Conga Drummer, yes, fucking congas, and any and all Beggars, drug addicted or handicapped or both- ALL Stupid, Disrespectful and Ignorant.

~Anyone and Everyone who gives them the money they’re asking for- also Stupid, Ignorant and Disrespectful- as well as Criminals, since it’s illegal to solicit for money in the train. Oh, you didn’t see the expensive ad campaign plastered all over the system? You are aiding and abetting criminal activity by reaching in your pocket and enabling these people to keep invading the sanctity of my train ride, that I paid way too much for just like you. In the long run, your lack of fortitude and small mindedness cost us all because it takes police to stop these beggars, and the more you enable them, the more police and police time it takes to process those violations. As well as the afore-mentioned ad expense- attempting to educate you- the enabler. As a result, it’s another reason the fares go up. So thank you- asshole. Were you really entertained? Really? I’m glad I helped you pay for that entertainment with that fare- the next time I see you reach in your pocket I should ask you how much you’re going to give me for the annoyance you’re causing me? But I digress as always…

Now, I don’t give much allowance for the fact that this beloved country of mine is the most sloven, fat, uneducated and bored on the face of the earth. It’s blindly patriotic inhabitants are not much more than willingly enslaved easily distracted nincompoops who like felines, chase the bright lights against the wall of their lives whenever those in power choose to manipulate them so.

It’s because I don’t give that allowance, enough at least- that I am constantly banging my head against my own wall of disbelief when I encounter the blatant stupidity of the every day New Yorker.

I have to console myself, that in my position, those that I am not exposed to- are likely so much more impressive examples of humanity, and if I were exposed to them, then I might feel more often that we as a species do deserve the right to be here amongst the supposedly lesser evolved inhabitants of planet Earth.

I don’t console myself enough, and it would take alot of faith to believe that the majority truly do not bring down the better minority of this human race. It takes faith just to believe they exist.

In any case, all of this, in the everyday sense applies to New Yorkers, but only because that’s what I’m exposed to.

Recently, America has afforded me, through the situation with this Mosque being built in the downtown Manhattan New York City area, a wider spectrum of understanding when it comes to how many stupids there really are in this country, as well as how deep the stupidity pool goes.

Wow.

There are alot of morons across the country who first of all, don’t have the common sense (are stupid) to hear about this on their local news and say to themselves, “hmm, interesting” and let it be. They somehow, some way, think it has something to do with them and what’s worse- they actually have a synaptic burst that inclines them to think that their opinion actually matters to anyone here in New York???

On what level I wonder do they come to think that they matter in relation to anything here in New York?

Here is a questionnaire for those who feel the actual need to pick up the phone and call New York City to express their opinion on the Mosque.

1. Did you lose a friend, acquaintance, or loved one in the supposed terrorist attack, specifically the one in New York, on 9.11.2001?

If you did, we are sorry for your loss, and welcome you to participate in the ceremonies every 9.11, but in the case of the Mosque, it has nothing to do with you, unless you are Muslim, and will be worshipping there- or are interested in the property for your own purposes. With all due respect, you have better things to do with your time than to worry about this.

If not, mind your business, this isn’t news, there is freedom of religion in this country as there is freedom of speech, and voicing your opposition to the building of any house of worship borders on exposing yourself as a bigot. Can someone tell me if any Churches have been built anywhere near the Oklahoma City bombing? Any crucifixes erected? Any catholic or Christian idolatry placed near there at all? Are those expressions wrong as well? Because that guy was Christian- wasn’t he? Case closed.

2. On 9.12.2001, were you in the city of New York or on the way to the city of New York to assist with the clean up and recovery?

If so, thank you for your help, but the building of this Mosque has nothing to do with you, unless you’re looking for work in demolition or construction- to help the Mosque be built.

If not, where were you? Did you lift a finger to help at all? Waving a flag doesn’t count. There were alot of people missing, did you help look for them, or were you there, where you are now, as you were that day- talking shit- thinking it matters to anyone but you? Keep your opinion to yourself and those other fools who are burdened with listening as if it matters, and far away from a telephone that can reach a New York phone number.

3. Are you willing to come here and protest the building of the Mosque in person?

If so- Shut up and express this opinion in person when you get to the Mosque’s future location. Make sure to spend as much money as you can while you’re here- most tourists end up spending money at Muslim owned kiosks, vendors, news stands, ATM’s, taxis and shops- Just because the Muslim culture is profoundly entrepreneurial. I love the irony, enjoy your stay.

If not- Shut up. Just shut up. When you’re ready to get up off your ass and stand up for what you believe in, book your trip. We’ll be here waiting for you- you idiot.

Need a place to stay when you get here? Be careful when choosing a hotel. You don’t want to be funding terrorism after all- and many of the hotels, both major and minor, are Muslim owned. May I suggest one of the best ones- Jumeirah Essex House. Its lavish and beautiful and historic. many of the celebrity’s you love, stay there when they come to New York. You would be lucky to get a room. And guess what- they won’t discriminate against you if you’re a bigoted American slob.

I could go on asking redundant questions but the disappointment I feel in people will not go away. If it does, it’s because I successfully put them in the back of my mind for the time being- eventually some moron will come along and remind me of the sad state of affairs in this country, and this city.

I for one, want to leave.

And when I do I’ll come back and visit, and enjoy America, and New York, for the amusement park of freaks it is, and ever will be, it seems.

Film Review: All the films ever made

All Films Ever Made, Terrific! Exciting! Exhilirating! Ennnnntertainnnning!

Life Changing? ehh, no.

thanks to my gf for providing me a pic i could defile

Maybe when I was a kid, and I knew nothing, sure. Life changing. For the lack of said life. But if you go far back enough on that tangent- the first time something brushed up against my cock was life changing too.

So really? Film Reviews? Film Critique? I don’t know, have I grown up?

I recently saw… and I have to pause to think for a second because the name doesn’t come to mind right away… Cyrus, yeah, that’s it. It was good. There you go. That’s my review. Very nice how it was about life changes as much as it was about comedy. I enjoyed it, mildly and satisfactorily, like a gentle happy ending from a long time frequented masseuse.

Before that I saw Shrek, the last one… and it was funny. Clever as usual, and funny. There you go, that’s my review of that one. See?

Avatar? Oh my god!

I’m kidding it was good but it didn’t change my life. Wow, special effects. I am now wet.

No. I’m not.

Movies are entertainment. They could be art. But even art- so what?

You walk out of the theatre and you have the same problems you had before- you escaped for a while, you were entertained. This is good. I guess. It IS vital, I will concede. Everyone needs down time for general good health.

You have kids, it’s great for family time, sharing a laugh, even dates if you don’t mind the time sitting awkwardly next to each other NOT speaking- when if you want to get to know each other- speaking to each other is exactly what you SHOULD be doing.

Movies that make you think. Hmm, like I need help thinking? I think too much I’m told, but thats usually by those who wish I would think less so I wouldn’t see right through them. But yes, Ignorance is Bliss I concede as well. So… movies that make you thnk… Saving Private Ryan comes to mind. Schindler’s List. Two from the same director. The first made me think and appreciate the WW2 Veteran. Thank you. Now I appreciate them. The second, reignited what was for a non-jew, getting old- the Holocaust. Am I an asshole? Sure if that makes you feel better I’m an asshole for saying the Holocaust thing was getting old for me before Schindler’s List. As a born and bred New Yorker I’m an honorary Jew anyway, so I feel, and know, for myself, I am in my right as such to say whatever the fuck I want about Judaism that I want to- and not be so interestingly accused of anti-semetism. Are you kidding me? If JAPS were donuts I’d be even fatter than I am now. But no, they’re bagels with cream cheese and lox arent they? So I have them when I can. When on East 23rd on a Sunday morning, or Brooklyn. Bagel Boy, Yummm. Where is this paragraph going? I’ve lost all control of it- I Digress;

Anyway yes, the value of Schindler’s List… Don’t front as we say here in New York… the Jew thing, if you’re not a Jew, was getting old for you too. I’m just the one saying it for you. I KNOW I’m not alone in this. Nuff respect, Jews, Survivors, Spielberg, all of it. Good Job. A film that makes you think… and evokes emotion.

Evokes Emotion.

What else? What other kind of film is there?

The Cool Film.

I’m a Star Wars and Trek fan. Not a lunatic basement of your parents house living- dress up as a charater of- convention trolling fan. Just a fan. Sci-fi has always been fascinating to me, as an imaginative and artistically inclined youth it was a natural attraction.

When I saw, as an adult, the last Star Wars and Trek films, I thought they were “Cool”. Sure, I had some opinions and I heard alot more about the Wars than the Trek, but all in all it’s the central point here… what the fuck difference does it make?

No amount of critique would have kept me from seeing either movie. More so- a scheduling conflict might have kept me from seeing them. They’re movies after all. They’re not required viewing for the right to continue breathing.

At most, these days, you see a preview of a movie, it looks interesting and you say hmm, I may go see that. Or you say, eh, I can wait for DVD, in some cases Blue Ray- oh excuze moi mother fucker- you have special eyes and you need to see the nose hairs in an actors nostrils to validate the performance. Christ. But yes, at most that’s it. No big deal. To see, or not to see, and it’s not even that critical.

So… I see all this shit about the movie Inception, and well, I saw the previews, and an HBO First Look thingy… it looks like a dream Matrix to me. A visual treat for sure. Worth the $22 for IMAX? Hmmm, I dunno. I’ve heard the question asked “is it worth IMAX?” So I know I’m not the only one.

It’s a fucking Movie. Not a pair of shoes.

Oh it’s DiCaprio0000. Oh well in THAT case… Fuuuuuuck you. Over rated spoiled bastard. The Italian Stallion. Cultivated and cured like a prized cut of beef. Scorecese’s boy like when Brando says “they killed my boy” in Coppola’s masterpiece… I’ve seen his movies. They’re good movies, yes, but not because of his acting- such as with others, like Al Pacino… notice I didn’t say DeNiro, whose work I love, bu tlet’s be honest- we like DeNiro, not his acting. And DeNiro comes from the same cultivated Scorcese Italian-man-love school. No, what make’s his movies good are good script selection. Otherwise, whatever.

Yes, I used to be into the whole oh-my-gawd-such-a-great-actor thing as you can see, but no more. It just really makes no difference in the real world anymore. Entertainment is entertainment- and it should only be entertained just so much.

In that same respect-

The End

What was that? You stayed up late to see Good Will Hunting for the umteenth time last night too?

Ya got me there.

What is a real New Yorker?

I read this somewhere;

“Interrupted someone giving directions to a tourist so that I could give them better directions. That was when I began to feel like a real New Yorker!”

… and I thought to myself- no, but you’re not.

A real New Yorker doesn’t interrupt. A real New Yorker over hears it, and either A. insults the both of them in their mind- the one asking, for being a pain in the ass tourist clogging up the street- probably stopped dead center to mid-busy sidewalk asking their question of a stranger instead of their bought and paid for hotel personnel- AND the asshole who actually stopped to give them the directions (in this case two assholes), for further enabling this not pulling over to the curb or the building out of the way of pedestrian traffic behavior (yes, in New York you should walk as you would drive) while simultaniously exposing themselves for the next worst thing to a tourist- a fucking transplant who in their glee of relocation thinks they can tell someone else how to get anywhere in our fair and disgusting city- and keeps walking. Or B. Over hears it and laughs inside as they just again, keep walking.

But bottom line, a real New Yorker, doesn’t subvert the economy of our fair city by giving fucking directions. There are maps being sold, tour guides looking for work, store clerks insisting you buy an overprices item or two before they talk to you at all- all out there trying to eek out a living- and here you are you stupid know it all transplant- taking food off the table of a hard working immigrant.

Do you know how expensive it is to live here? Unless you’re buying me a venti at Starbucks, don’t ask me how to get anywhere- pay your dime like anyone else. I’m disgusted by how much you’re probably paying for that room you’re staying in Mr. & Mrs. Tourist. You’re part of the reason the city I was born in and have struggled in all my life is so expensive, so again- ask your hotel clerk or tour guide. How dare you bother a citizen.

And as for you- cutesie tootsie transplant… In your quest to be somebody back home- don’t EVER think yourself a New Yorker. No. Because you bring your mommy and daddy’s degree to this city and take a job from a SUNY or CUNY grad who did it all while taking the dirty trains and busses you find so quaint, and you support the greed of landlords who count on your wide eyed migration to be able to maintain the rent at levels that drive out those who sweat blood and tears in this place- this does not, and will NEVER make you a New Yorker. You’re an annoying VISITOR, at most.

Your taxes should be higher. Your rents should be the only ones that are higher. Your pay should be less. If not directly applied, than indirectly by what excemptions you do not qualify for as a non-naturalized citizen of New York.

It’s too bad the inner city produces individuals that are either too preoccupied with survival or those too ignorant to realize they have power to change matters- or then things may be structured to benefit the actual citizen of New York, instead of life in this city being the experience of watching the out of towner drive up to the corner to solicit your mother into sex and then just drive away.

Because if New York is your mother, you do know she’s a whore don’t you?

the minutiae

coming back from a vacation to no where- re-entering the routine, confronted with a build up of unread blog posts… it just seems to me that it’s all way too microscopically focused on the minute details.

skimming, clicking delete after muttering- “i care?”- alot.